HopeintheMess

Blog

  • Strong Enough

    Strong Enough??!!

    IMG_4825

    I am trying to remind myself to lean on the Lord.  He will lead me through what I cannot do on my own.  This is a very powerful song by Matthew West.

    You must
    You must think I’m strong
    To give me what I’m going through

    Well, forgive me
    Forgive me if I’m wrong
    But this looks like more than I can do
    On my own

    I know I’m not strong enough to be
    everything that I’m supposed to be
    I give up
    I’m not stong enough
    Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
    Lord right now I’m asking you to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough
    For the both of us

    Well, maybe
    Maybe that’s the point
    To reach the point of giving up

    Cause when I’m finally
    Finally at rock bottom
    Well, that’s when I start looking up
    And reaching out

    I know I’m not strong enough to be
    Everything that I’m supposed to be
    I give up
    I’m not stong enough
    Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
    Lord right now I’m asking you to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

    Cause I’m broken
    Down to nothing
    But I’m still holding on to the one thing
    You are God
    and you are strong
    When I am weak

    I can do all things
    Through Christ who gives me strength
    And I don’t have to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

    I can do all things
    Through Christ who gives me strength
    And I don’t have to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

    Oh, yeah

    I know I’m not strong enough to be
    Everything that I’m supposed to be
    I give up
    I’m not stong enough
    Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
    Lord right now I’m asking you to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

     

     

    IMG_4853

  • Sincere

    An eating disorder makes it very difficult to be authentic.  I do not have any honest relationships right now because I am afraid to let them know about the flaws.  If I let the walls down then the world will see that the façade we paint is not what it seems.  My behaviors allow me to pretend that everything is ok while I am secretly crying out for help.  Can I really use my voice?  Sure… Is that scary?  Absolutely!
    Remember that eating disorders are not about food and weight.  Weight is only a symptom of the real issue.  My thinness was a symptom of my inability to express my feelings, my loneliness, and how my marriage seems to be falling apart.
    The truth is that it is still a struggle because I still feel this way.  I was not prepared for the part of recovery where it looks like you are ok…..but feeling terrible inside.  I have told my therapist that I feel like an anorexic stuck in a healthy-recovered body.
    I still feel all of those things that made me want to use the eating disorder.  The trouble is that I am not supposed to use it and I am not using it.  The ED is so destructive and will not allow me to meet my goals; however, it seemed to get me through the day.  I am learning new skills to do the same.  I am learning to use my VOICE and say that I am hurting and not do this through my eating disorder.
    But…….. I have to make that choice.  I choose to deal with the anxiety of NOT choosing the eating disorder to cope.  I will work on ACCEPTING and LIKEING the REAL me one layer at a time.  It is a work in progress.  I know it will take time but it is worth it.  I have my life and two little lives waiting for me.
    ​​

  • LONELY

    I think I use the eating disorder to avoid being lonely. But ironically it makes me lonely and withdrawn. I am terrified of giving it up because I am terrified of rejection. What if people do not like or accept me without the eating disorder.  I do not know who I am without it. I associate everything with it. I do not know how to function without it. How do I stop isolating and reach out without the eating disorder. How do I give up the fear that I will not be rejected without the eating disorder to turn to? It is the only thing I have turned to for safety/comfort. How do I approach people and feel good about myself? I really do not know who I am or do not have anything (or I feel) without it! This disorder has caused so much pain and has come between me and so many relationships. I isolated myself so much in college, grad school, etc. I have avoided so many social opportunities because of it. I think that is one of the hard parts. If I do start to give it up and reach out, I feel as if the world has gone on without me. How do I fit in now? I feel like I do not know how to interact with it. Then if I get rejected, what will make me feel better, what will make me safe?  I will not have anything to comfort me.  It is a damned if I do, damned if I do not sort of thing. Isn’t it better to stick with what I know?  I want to experience the world, but I do not know how to act in it. I feel like I am still stuck in the high school years of trying to fit in.  I feel like I am the third person on the bus when everyone was paired off.  I feel like the fifth person that would get left out when we were signing up for rooms on trips.  When I am around people now, it always feels like I am back in that place, hoping that I will belong, accepted.  I was always scared of being left out, being left behind.  I have been hurt before.  If I do not try, then I cannot be hurt again.  I feel like the awkward child trying to fit in.  I do not feel like I can now.  When I feel like I cannot, I just run to the behaviors because that is what I know and trust.  I am so scared of rejection that I just do not do things and I revert. I do feel so vulnerable without the behaviors. It is scary. I am scared of what will happen.  Being thin or being sick makes me feel safe.  I feel like I cannot be hurt.  I can numb myself.  I do not have to feel scared or focus on what I am thinking.

     

    I have been gaining weight with the pregnancy. I have made a few other positive changes towards getting well. When I make a so called positive change towards recovery, I feel a strong sense of guilt. I feel like I am doing something wrong. There is a pull back to the old habits, to the familiar. Doing the “right thing” or the healthy thing does not always feel right. It still feels wrong or like I am betraying myself. I am afraid that I do not know myself without an eating disorder. I am afraid that I do not know myself if I am not sick. If I am not using some sort of eating disorder behavior then there is nothing to still hold onto it. I hate to admit it, but it is almost like there is a need to be a little unwell, I am not sure if I am completely ready to be 100% well, independent, free. I do not know how to do that. Will I be unnoticed, not special, etc? What will there be? I feel like if I give up one aspect of the eating disorder, I need to keep another part around just in case. Otherwise it will be gone. I will miss it. I still feel lost on the inside. If I am big, eating normally, eating more, eating regularly, people will see a normal person and just assume things are great. But what if they are not?

  • Recovery Voice

    Finding my Recovery Voice

    One of the things we worked on at the retreat I mentioned was finding our recovery voice.  We practiced separating ourselves from the ED voice.  This was a powerful experience.
    The ED voice is different for everyone but one thing is similar: it is a BULLY.  It constantly critiques me or tells me what I should or should not do.  It has rules for how I should live my life.  Notice how I say “IT”.  I would normally say, “me”.  But, the bully or eating disorder is not me.  In this exercise, we learn that we are not the eating disorder.  We identify with the healthy side.  This is hard and I still need so much help with this.
    • Things my bully/eating disorder says to me.
    • You are fat
    • You are unworthy and unacceptable
    • You are fat
    • You will never be accepted
    • You have to weigh yourself
    • No one likes you …..unless you weigh, unless you look a certain way.
    • You sound stupid
    • You cannot eat that
    • You can only eat….
    • You cannot eat in front of others, they will make fun of you
    • If you eat out, you must only eat….
    • If you gain weight, you are a failure
    • If you try to eat more, you will binge..so do not try
    • Do not trust anyone, they are trying to make you fat again
      -So the exercise.  Whenever I hear a message from the bully.  I need to find my recovery/healthy/MY voice and practice using it.  The tricky part.  I do not have to believe it yet.  I just have to say it.  Say it until I believe it.  This is hard.

      When we were practicing this at the retreat, I found that so many of the other women/girls heard the same messages.

      It was NOT just ME!

      I wanted to hug them and support them.  How dare a bully say these things to THEM.

      IMG_4827

    •  

      But wait… I do this to myself.

      It started to make sense.  I guess that was the purpose.

       

      So, a list of recovery messages in hand is a recovery tool.  Whenever the bully messages appear, write them, read them.  Be ready to knock the bully down.  Feel free to share some of your bully/recovery messages with me.

       

    Some of my recovery messages.
    • -trust your treatment team, they have your best interest at heart.  They want you to be healthy and strong.  They are committed to your recovery.  They have never done anything to show lack of trust.  Remember all the times they have worked through things with you.  Share your concerns with them.  They are here for you.
    • -your weight does not determine your self worth.  you are not a number.
    • -you are a loving and caring wife and mother.  You do everything you can for your family.
    • You will be better able to care for your children when you are healthy and nourished.
    • You cannot be perfect and do everything, but you are doing your best.
      -all foods can fit into your meal plan.
    • Trust your dietitian and the foods she has recommended.  If you are following her recs, you will not overeat and not binge.
    • If you need help, ask for support.

  • Support and Relinquishing Control

    If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. Matthew 21:22.

    IMG_4873

    I have been out of the hospital for six months.  The hospital staff took control of the eating disorder.  The took away my ability to exercise.  They even watched me go to the bathroom.  I was not allowed to be by myself.  I had no freedom while I was within the walls of the hospital.  It was a very long 42 days.

    I needed them to do this.  I thought I was in control but my eating disorder was in control.  By controlling my actions in the hospital they removed the option for me to choose the ED.

     

    I did not have to fight the eating disorder thoughts while I was inpatient because a staff member was always there.  I hated it at the time but it was also comfortable.  It was easy to do the right thing– or the recovery oriented thing.  They told me that it was not uncommon to have trouble when I first came home.  I was going from 24/7 support to being by myself every day.

    I think about how this relates  to our relationship with the Lord.  I choose daily to walk with Him.  I can  make the choices to pray, read the Word, and actively pursue a relationship with Him or I can remain distant. When I am constantly seeking Him, it is easier to do the right thing.  I find more peace when I am spending time in the Word each day.  My prayer life can bring peace.

    The staff at the hospital provided meal support.  They made sure that I did not know how much I weighed.  They watched me after meals.  They made sure I did not exercise.  What they did not do is give me the confidence in my own abilities to succeed.  I left the hospital thinking that I could continue doing what I had been doing and be ok.  I was wrong.

    Sound familiar?  We cannot pretend we are in control and ignore God.  Things WILL NOT work! I could not do my own thing.

     

    One saving grace is to know that God is in control. Finding peace and comfort in this becomes more healing and nurturing than anything else.  I cannot be in control and be close to God at the same time.

    God will lead me through this tough journey and lead me home.

     
    The Lord is the only way we can get constant support.  He is always with us.  When we need help with anything we can reach out and ask.  I have blamed my slips on the lack of support.  I have failed to see that I had support around me this whole time.  I shall look to my all powerful support.  I can and will do this.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    ​
    ​

  • Temptations

     

    Trials and Temptations
    2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything
    James 1:2-4

    IMG_4835

     

    The eating disorder (ED) voice is nasty.    The ED will say to restrict, exercise, purge, weigh, compare and basically self-destruct.  Treatment aims at developing new coping skills that are not self-destructive.

    I thought that developing new coping skills and denying the urge to engage in my eating disorder would be too hard.  In reality, the eating disorder was very good at preventing me from feeling pain.  I not only learned that coping skills are necessary but also understanding that temptations are normal.  Scripture tells us that God WILL provide a way out.

    1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

    You do not have to feel guilty or embarrassed.  Reach out to God.  Tell him about your struggles– after all, HE already know!

     

    Read this from Mathew 4:1-11
    Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness
    4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted[a] by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
    4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’[b]”
    5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

    “‘He will command his angels concerning you,
    and they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[c]”
    7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’[d]”
    8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
    10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’[e]”

     

     

     

    ​
    ​

     

     

    Trust in the Lord!

  • Finding Peace

    ​

    Colossians calls for us to let Christ completely dwell in our hearts and bodies.  I am longing for peace.  I am not sure I would know what that felt like.  I feel like I do not deserve it.  I know that we do not earn Grace.  It is a free gift from God……

    But I have to choose it. It is a free gift for the taking.  Not only do I need to choose it, but I must also reach out my hands and accept the Grace that only He can provide.  I really want to tell the world how much I want this; however, the pain I feel inside from the trauma is so deep.  I want to believe I can be happy.

    I want it. I really do.

    But I am not happy. I came home from the hospital thinking of how miserable I am with my H. It was so hard being away from my daughter. It was also so nice being away from him.  I believe in marriage and know I can make things work. With another blessing on the way- it will work. I believe in that. I pray for the peace and hope that He can provide.  I pray that my h can change. That he will want to change. My heart has this deep ache that he does not want this change.

    Colossians 3:15-16
    New International Version (NIV)
    15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

  • Welcome

    HERE WE GO

     

    I am starting this blog as I prepare to leave for inpatient treatment for my eating disorder.  I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and I have anorexia.  I am scared out of my mind to leave.  My therapist told me that I could either be admitted to a local hospital or go to treatment at a facility that specializes in eating disorders.  My pride will not let him admit me to the hospital here.  My only perception of a treatment center is what I have seen on TV or read about in magazines.  I am told that I will be on a weight gain plan and will likely be there for thirty days.  I do not want to leave my daughter.  I have never left her alone.  I am so tired of living the lie of an eating disorder so I know this is the right thing to do.  I pray that this will help me.  I pray that this will lead me toward healing and I can come back ready to finish treatment and say goodbye to this disease for once and for all.
    Here we go!