Sincere

An eating disorder makes it very difficult to be authentic.  I do not have any honest relationships right now because I am afraid to let them know about the flaws.  If I let the walls down then the world will see that the façade we paint is not what it seems.  My behaviors allow me to pretend that everything is ok while I am secretly crying out for help.  Can I really use my voice?  Sure… Is that scary?  Absolutely!

Remember that eating disorders are not about food and weight.  Weight is only a symptom of the real issue.  My thinness was a symptom of my inability to express my feelings, my loneliness, and how my marriage seems to be falling apart.

The truth is that it is still a struggle because I still feel this way.  I was not prepared for the part of recovery where it looks like you are ok…..but feeling terrible inside.  I have told my therapist that I feel like an anorexic stuck in a healthy-recovered body.

I still feel all of those things that made me want to use the eating disorder.  The trouble is that I am not supposed to use it and I am not using it.  The ED is so destructive and will not allow me to meet my goals; however, it seemed to get me through the day.  I am learning new skills to do the same.  I am learning to use my VOICE and say that I am hurting and not do this through my eating disorder.

But…….. I have to make that choice.  I choose to deal with the anxiety of NOT choosing the eating disorder to cope.  I will work on ACCEPTING and LIKEING the REAL me one layer at a time.  It is a work in progress.  I know it will take time but it is worth it.  I have my life and two little lives waiting for me.