HopeintheMess

Category: Identity

  • Recovery- people might not tell you this

     

    An eating disorder is painfully lonely.  The truth is that no matter how much anyone tells you the truth, you will not believe it until you are on the other side.  The eating disorder has two things working on its side 1) the brain-based a genetic process.  Let’s look at an individual with anorexia nervosa.  When someone weighs less than her (or his) biologically appropriate weight, cognitive process declines.  You can try to convince her that the earth is round, but if she believes it is flat, then damn it…. The earth is flat in her world.  Eating disorders actually change the brain to a certain point and the only thing that repairs this damage is food.  2).  The maladaptive coping strategies work very effectively to circumvent whatever it is that the person is trying to not deal with.  Yes, this is true.  Eating disorders are a complex biopsychosocial illness.  We have to heal the body and mind in order to heal the person.  We cannot do this without food and then dealing with the emotions and learning to effectively cope in the world.

    When you start recovery, it may feel wrong.  In fact, it will feel wrong.  This is something that you should talk about.  The reason it feels wrong is because the illness has placed so much emphasis on your weight, whether or not you ate, ran, counted your calories, your will-power.  It has been exhausting.  Sitting still and just being may feel wrong but it is ok and it is good.  I understand how sitting still and eating makes you want to cry- but that does not last.  It may feel wrong but it is not wrong.  You will get to a point where it feels right and you will enjoy it again.  I promise.  The only thing the disorder can promise is a stronghold, death, control.  Breaking free promises life.  While that may sound scary—it does not have to be all at once. 

    God does not give more than you can handle.  That is a promise!      

    2Chronicles 15:7

    But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.”

  • Independence Day

     

    We had a wonderful time celebrating the Fourth Of July.  We went to a festival in the mountains where my parents just built a house.  Several years ago, the thought of going to any celebration sent me waves of panic.  What about the food? What about the exercise I may miss? I cannot wear a bathing suit??!!  I missed out on these opportunities because I was so entrenched in the eating disorder that I was unable to have fun.  On this Independence Day, I am so thankful that I declared independence from the eating disorder. 

     

     

    I spent all my time thinking about food, calories, exercise, and how much I hated my body (really myself).  I did not think that I could be so incredibly happy and carefree.  On this day, I wore a bathing suit as I walked around the outdoor area.  I slid down the bouncy house water slide with my children.  I laughed, joked, and played games.  These things are hard to do when the eating disorder is in control. 

     

    My now healthy body and mind could walk around with pride on this day.  I am so thankful for my chance at recovery and thankful that I took the plunge.    

     

  • Making a difference

    “Good people have good things in their hearts” Matthew 12:35
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    I love reading anything written by Max Lucado.  His words are so inspiring.  He will also make you think about things in a different way.
    I was reading the Grace for the moment daily devotional Bible  tonight and came across a great reminder of how important it is to keep my eyes on the prize.
    Matthew 12:35 tells us that good people have good things in their hearts.  This is such a simple verse but yet so often we make things so complex.  We describe people by outward appearances and accomplishments or failures.  It is clear however that Jesus is not concerned with such matters.
    “Good people have good things in their hearts”
    Plain and Simple.  Good people = good in heart.
    I spent so much time while I was stuck in my eating disorder thinking that I needed to hide because I was not worthy.  I have met countless other women that either held or still hold these beliefs.
    Our society describes good people as having these very unachievable characteristics, most of which are focused on earthly treasures. Not heavenly treasures.
    I have good news.  There is life and God wants you to live it.  It is the heart that matters.  The others things fade but our hearts remain.
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  • Self love and Beauty Standards

    I think that many women who find themselves dancing with these thoughts – myself included – are here because we find it difficult to maintain our ideal weight.

    Staying at the weight we want to be at is a battle – anything but effortless like the health magazines tote around. And while there is nothing wrong with diving into the world of healthy living and experimenting with your body (hello, have you heard of The Experience?), this constant doubting, controlling, manipulating, etc. is harmful, stressful, and a complete waste of our energies (not to mention it decreases metabolism and increases fat storage, not helping the cause


    But I think the real problem here is that so many women find themselves in this daily, if not hourly, fight because they are aiming to maintain a weight that is 5-10 pounds lower than where their bodies actually want to be (again, myself included). We’re struggling to maintain a weight that, although we’ve convinced ourselves is where our bodies naturally land, is actually determined by the images of the ideal female body we see everywhere we look – billboards, commercials, social media, etc. To be honest, I think this obsession with keeping our bodies just 5-10 pounds lighter than they should be is actually one of the the least drastic/harmful reactions to these photoshopped ideals of absolute beauty – but I also think living in this space is also torture. Those 5-10 pounds we are fighting everyday to keep off are like that one that got away: that thing that we’re compulsively obsessed with, fixated on, need to have. That thing that you know will make everything in your life perfect if you can just catch it.
    But deep down, somewhere buried in the very depths of your all-brilliant, all-shining, all-wise gut, you know that’s not true. And I’m here to tell you that that actually could not be further from the truth.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds, that place where your body naturally wants to be – that’s your life. That’s your late night pizza with your man, that Sunday morning bottomless brunch, your favorite cupcake in the whole entire world because you wanted to treat yourself. Those 5-10 pounds are your favorite memories, your unforgettable trips, your celebrations of life.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds are your spontaneity, your freedom, your love.

  • Believing in Recovery

     

     

     

    Recovery is not easy.  When you feel like you cannot go any further, focus on the accomplishments you have made.  I remember being motivated by the fact that I could sleep through the night, I had increased energy, and I felt mental clarity.  Yes, eating disorders mess up your thinking!  Write down the times you have a positive experience in recovery.  If you have a day where your thoughts are not as strong, write it down.  Keep track of milestones like being able to socialize without anxiety or being able to read a book.  It is easy to lose sight of the positive things when you are focused on the meal plan or weight. You may have difficulty in seeing a future without your eating disorder; however, recognizing each accomplishment can allow you to see the progress you have made.

     

    • If you have experienced any positive symptom improvement, list it:
    • Examples might include: Being less cold, Sleeping Better, More Energy, Less anxious or depressed, Better Concentration, Thinking about calories less, Able to follow meal plan better, Less isolation?
    • How has this impacted your daily living?
    • If you have not had any of the improved symptoms, what would you like to experience? What is one way you think you can get there?
    • If you are struggling with your meal plan or symptoms, what can you use to remind yourself that you will feel better with continued perseverance? 

    Read this example:

    AB was a young high school student with anorexia nervosa.  She had trouble trusting that things could get better.  At her first visit she told me that her year was supposed to be the “best-ever” but was instead going horribly.  She was frustrated because she was having to try harder, work harder, and could not focus nor concentrate.  I explained that as she became more nourished, she would see that these things would not be as difficult.  Not believing me, but agreeing to try as a good student, she came in several weeks later reporting more energy, social activities with friends, and having more time.

  • Sincere

    An eating disorder makes it very difficult to be authentic.  I do not have any honest relationships right now because I am afraid to let them know about the flaws.  If I let the walls down then the world will see that the façade we paint is not what it seems.  My behaviors allow me to pretend that everything is ok while I am secretly crying out for help.  Can I really use my voice?  Sure… Is that scary?  Absolutely!
    Remember that eating disorders are not about food and weight.  Weight is only a symptom of the real issue.  My thinness was a symptom of my inability to express my feelings, my loneliness, and how my marriage seems to be falling apart.
    The truth is that it is still a struggle because I still feel this way.  I was not prepared for the part of recovery where it looks like you are ok…..but feeling terrible inside.  I have told my therapist that I feel like an anorexic stuck in a healthy-recovered body.
    I still feel all of those things that made me want to use the eating disorder.  The trouble is that I am not supposed to use it and I am not using it.  The ED is so destructive and will not allow me to meet my goals; however, it seemed to get me through the day.  I am learning new skills to do the same.  I am learning to use my VOICE and say that I am hurting and not do this through my eating disorder.
    But…….. I have to make that choice.  I choose to deal with the anxiety of NOT choosing the eating disorder to cope.  I will work on ACCEPTING and LIKEING the REAL me one layer at a time.  It is a work in progress.  I know it will take time but it is worth it.  I have my life and two little lives waiting for me.
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