HopeintheMess

Tag: ED Voice

  • Sincere

    An eating disorder makes it very difficult to be authentic.  I do not have any honest relationships right now because I am afraid to let them know about the flaws.  If I let the walls down then the world will see that the façade we paint is not what it seems.  My behaviors allow me to pretend that everything is ok while I am secretly crying out for help.  Can I really use my voice?  Sure… Is that scary?  Absolutely!
    Remember that eating disorders are not about food and weight.  Weight is only a symptom of the real issue.  My thinness was a symptom of my inability to express my feelings, my loneliness, and how my marriage seems to be falling apart.
    The truth is that it is still a struggle because I still feel this way.  I was not prepared for the part of recovery where it looks like you are ok…..but feeling terrible inside.  I have told my therapist that I feel like an anorexic stuck in a healthy-recovered body.
    I still feel all of those things that made me want to use the eating disorder.  The trouble is that I am not supposed to use it and I am not using it.  The ED is so destructive and will not allow me to meet my goals; however, it seemed to get me through the day.  I am learning new skills to do the same.  I am learning to use my VOICE and say that I am hurting and not do this through my eating disorder.
    But…….. I have to make that choice.  I choose to deal with the anxiety of NOT choosing the eating disorder to cope.  I will work on ACCEPTING and LIKEING the REAL me one layer at a time.  It is a work in progress.  I know it will take time but it is worth it.  I have my life and two little lives waiting for me.
    ​​

  • LONELY

    I think I use the eating disorder to avoid being lonely. But ironically it makes me lonely and withdrawn. I am terrified of giving it up because I am terrified of rejection. What if people do not like or accept me without the eating disorder.  I do not know who I am without it. I associate everything with it. I do not know how to function without it. How do I stop isolating and reach out without the eating disorder. How do I give up the fear that I will not be rejected without the eating disorder to turn to? It is the only thing I have turned to for safety/comfort. How do I approach people and feel good about myself? I really do not know who I am or do not have anything (or I feel) without it! This disorder has caused so much pain and has come between me and so many relationships. I isolated myself so much in college, grad school, etc. I have avoided so many social opportunities because of it. I think that is one of the hard parts. If I do start to give it up and reach out, I feel as if the world has gone on without me. How do I fit in now? I feel like I do not know how to interact with it. Then if I get rejected, what will make me feel better, what will make me safe?  I will not have anything to comfort me.  It is a damned if I do, damned if I do not sort of thing. Isn’t it better to stick with what I know?  I want to experience the world, but I do not know how to act in it. I feel like I am still stuck in the high school years of trying to fit in.  I feel like I am the third person on the bus when everyone was paired off.  I feel like the fifth person that would get left out when we were signing up for rooms on trips.  When I am around people now, it always feels like I am back in that place, hoping that I will belong, accepted.  I was always scared of being left out, being left behind.  I have been hurt before.  If I do not try, then I cannot be hurt again.  I feel like the awkward child trying to fit in.  I do not feel like I can now.  When I feel like I cannot, I just run to the behaviors because that is what I know and trust.  I am so scared of rejection that I just do not do things and I revert. I do feel so vulnerable without the behaviors. It is scary. I am scared of what will happen.  Being thin or being sick makes me feel safe.  I feel like I cannot be hurt.  I can numb myself.  I do not have to feel scared or focus on what I am thinking.

     

    I have been gaining weight with the pregnancy. I have made a few other positive changes towards getting well. When I make a so called positive change towards recovery, I feel a strong sense of guilt. I feel like I am doing something wrong. There is a pull back to the old habits, to the familiar. Doing the “right thing” or the healthy thing does not always feel right. It still feels wrong or like I am betraying myself. I am afraid that I do not know myself without an eating disorder. I am afraid that I do not know myself if I am not sick. If I am not using some sort of eating disorder behavior then there is nothing to still hold onto it. I hate to admit it, but it is almost like there is a need to be a little unwell, I am not sure if I am completely ready to be 100% well, independent, free. I do not know how to do that. Will I be unnoticed, not special, etc? What will there be? I feel like if I give up one aspect of the eating disorder, I need to keep another part around just in case. Otherwise it will be gone. I will miss it. I still feel lost on the inside. If I am big, eating normally, eating more, eating regularly, people will see a normal person and just assume things are great. But what if they are not?

  • Recovery Voice

    Finding my Recovery Voice

    One of the things we worked on at the retreat I mentioned was finding our recovery voice.  We practiced separating ourselves from the ED voice.  This was a powerful experience.
    The ED voice is different for everyone but one thing is similar: it is a BULLY.  It constantly critiques me or tells me what I should or should not do.  It has rules for how I should live my life.  Notice how I say “IT”.  I would normally say, “me”.  But, the bully or eating disorder is not me.  In this exercise, we learn that we are not the eating disorder.  We identify with the healthy side.  This is hard and I still need so much help with this.
    • Things my bully/eating disorder says to me.
    • You are fat
    • You are unworthy and unacceptable
    • You are fat
    • You will never be accepted
    • You have to weigh yourself
    • No one likes you …..unless you weigh, unless you look a certain way.
    • You sound stupid
    • You cannot eat that
    • You can only eat….
    • You cannot eat in front of others, they will make fun of you
    • If you eat out, you must only eat….
    • If you gain weight, you are a failure
    • If you try to eat more, you will binge..so do not try
    • Do not trust anyone, they are trying to make you fat again
      -So the exercise.  Whenever I hear a message from the bully.  I need to find my recovery/healthy/MY voice and practice using it.  The tricky part.  I do not have to believe it yet.  I just have to say it.  Say it until I believe it.  This is hard.

      When we were practicing this at the retreat, I found that so many of the other women/girls heard the same messages.

      It was NOT just ME!

      I wanted to hug them and support them.  How dare a bully say these things to THEM.

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    •  

      But wait… I do this to myself.

      It started to make sense.  I guess that was the purpose.

       

      So, a list of recovery messages in hand is a recovery tool.  Whenever the bully messages appear, write them, read them.  Be ready to knock the bully down.  Feel free to share some of your bully/recovery messages with me.

       

    Some of my recovery messages.
    • -trust your treatment team, they have your best interest at heart.  They want you to be healthy and strong.  They are committed to your recovery.  They have never done anything to show lack of trust.  Remember all the times they have worked through things with you.  Share your concerns with them.  They are here for you.
    • -your weight does not determine your self worth.  you are not a number.
    • -you are a loving and caring wife and mother.  You do everything you can for your family.
    • You will be better able to care for your children when you are healthy and nourished.
    • You cannot be perfect and do everything, but you are doing your best.
      -all foods can fit into your meal plan.
    • Trust your dietitian and the foods she has recommended.  If you are following her recs, you will not overeat and not binge.
    • If you need help, ask for support.