Author: Hopeinthemess

  • Comparison is killing us

    How Comparison is killing us

     

    Let’s face it, we all do it.  We compare ourselves in one way or another to something.  Eating disorders will make you compare compare compare…. The internal dialogue is constant comparisons.  You walk into a room and think, “who is the thinnest, what did she eat, what did I eat, I wonder if she ran this morning, I can eat less than that, I have power, …..”.  You might not want to admit it; however, if you do some soul searching it is true.  I am not saying that someone with an eating disorder is selfish or conceited.  This is NOT the case.  But an eating disorder will change you.  It makes you think things that are not typical for you!  When you go through the cycle of restriction, binging, purging, exercising, and repeat— your mind goes into a mode of obsessive thinking.  Obsessive thoughts are also a way to avoid thinking about other things in your life.  They control anxiety.  This is a vicious cycle.

     

    Comparison will kill you.  You will never be thin enough, sick enough, be THAT enough.  You will never “look like that enough” to be deserving of treatment of help”.  You do not need to look a certain way to get treatment.  Throughout my own treatment, working with many men and women, the first concern I have witnessed is the fear that people will be the only one that is “not sick” enough.  This is a climate that must change.

     

     

  • Recovery- people might not tell you this

     

    An eating disorder is painfully lonely.  The truth is that no matter how much anyone tells you the truth, you will not believe it until you are on the other side.  The eating disorder has two things working on its side 1) the brain-based a genetic process.  Let’s look at an individual with anorexia nervosa.  When someone weighs less than her (or his) biologically appropriate weight, cognitive process declines.  You can try to convince her that the earth is round, but if she believes it is flat, then damn it…. The earth is flat in her world.  Eating disorders actually change the brain to a certain point and the only thing that repairs this damage is food.  2).  The maladaptive coping strategies work very effectively to circumvent whatever it is that the person is trying to not deal with.  Yes, this is true.  Eating disorders are a complex biopsychosocial illness.  We have to heal the body and mind in order to heal the person.  We cannot do this without food and then dealing with the emotions and learning to effectively cope in the world.

    When you start recovery, it may feel wrong.  In fact, it will feel wrong.  This is something that you should talk about.  The reason it feels wrong is because the illness has placed so much emphasis on your weight, whether or not you ate, ran, counted your calories, your will-power.  It has been exhausting.  Sitting still and just being may feel wrong but it is ok and it is good.  I understand how sitting still and eating makes you want to cry- but that does not last.  It may feel wrong but it is not wrong.  You will get to a point where it feels right and you will enjoy it again.  I promise.  The only thing the disorder can promise is a stronghold, death, control.  Breaking free promises life.  While that may sound scary—it does not have to be all at once. 

    God does not give more than you can handle.  That is a promise!      

    2Chronicles 15:7

    But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.”

  • We all need Rest

    “Come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11: 25-20

     

     

    Our Pastor gave a great sermon on this Scripture on Sunday.  He spoke about what it means to Truly Find Rest.

     

    Are you getting rest?  Are you getting quiet time?  Jesus gave us a command for this.  He said,  “All Ye who are tired and Burden, Come Ye and You will Find Rest!”.

    WOW!! I don’t know about you, but I am so very comforted by these words.  In fact, I get chills as I type them.  Yes, I am tired and burdened.  How can I not be?  Everyone seems to be trying to get to the next thing before trying to finish the current project or task.  We are constantly told that we are not good enough, pretty enough, thin, tall….. enough. The list goes on and on.

     

    Are you getting rest?  Less is truly more for our souls.  Do something outside of your normal routine.  Spend some quiet time with our Savior.  Read a devotional.  Read new Scripture.  Pray. Sing.

     

    What are you tired from?  Jesus cares and wants to know about this.  Only our Father can provide you with the rest that you so need.

  • Independence Day

     

    We had a wonderful time celebrating the Fourth Of July.  We went to a festival in the mountains where my parents just built a house.  Several years ago, the thought of going to any celebration sent me waves of panic.  What about the food? What about the exercise I may miss? I cannot wear a bathing suit??!!  I missed out on these opportunities because I was so entrenched in the eating disorder that I was unable to have fun.  On this Independence Day, I am so thankful that I declared independence from the eating disorder. 

     

     

    I spent all my time thinking about food, calories, exercise, and how much I hated my body (really myself).  I did not think that I could be so incredibly happy and carefree.  On this day, I wore a bathing suit as I walked around the outdoor area.  I slid down the bouncy house water slide with my children.  I laughed, joked, and played games.  These things are hard to do when the eating disorder is in control. 

     

    My now healthy body and mind could walk around with pride on this day.  I am so thankful for my chance at recovery and thankful that I took the plunge.    

     

  • This seat is saved

    I took my kids to the pool this weekend. I pulled into the parking lot and immediately noticed that it was insanely busy.  I am apprehensive about going to the pool to begin with.  First, anyone can guess that wearing a bathing suit in front of a hundred other individuals is going to make me nervous.  Bathing suit season also draws on some trauma memories.
    I had gotten myself dressed, the kids ready, and packed everything we needed for a day of fun.  We walked into the pool area and I noticed that there were really no available seats.  My kids wanted to run straight toward the pool and did not really care that we did not have a seat.  I had to beg them to wait for me to find a seat before they could get in.  I found a seat that did not have anything around it so I made my way toward it and put our stuff down.  I heard a voice from behind me say, “THIS SEAT IT TAKEN.”
    I turned around toward the voice and noticed it was from a woman in my ‘peer group.”  I paused because I was wondering if she was really serious.  I know that women hold strong to peer groups and it is very hard to fit in as a woman in a new city but we are really saving seats at the pool now? I started to pick up my towel to walk away but then I turned and looked at my daughter.  I remembered the times she had come home from school telling me that girl X and Y would not play with her on the playground.  I would wipe tears from her eyes and reassure her.  I would tell her that God loved her and the friends that loved her regardless of the seats on the playground were the ones she really needed to play with.  I am not sure why people hold so tightly to peer groups and refuse to let a new member in.  I glance at pictures people post on social media that proudly post “cookie social- 10 years and going”.  This post should really say- this is a cookie social and new members to the church are not welcome.
    I would challenge people to pick up the towel and welcome a new person to sit.  Jesus wants us to welcome all.
    After turning to my daughter and being reminded of her tears, I looked back at my “peer” and said we would really like to sit down. The three of us can share the one seat.  She looked at me and said it is good to see you.  It was the typical welcome that someone gives you when they are pretending to be your friend.  We exchanged small talk for a minute.  Afterward I watched her and a few other women talk and laugh and enjoy the company of each other as I played with my children by myself.
    This seat is indeed saved.
  • Making a difference

    “Good people have good things in their hearts” Matthew 12:35
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    I love reading anything written by Max Lucado.  His words are so inspiring.  He will also make you think about things in a different way.
    I was reading the Grace for the moment daily devotional Bible  tonight and came across a great reminder of how important it is to keep my eyes on the prize.
    Matthew 12:35 tells us that good people have good things in their hearts.  This is such a simple verse but yet so often we make things so complex.  We describe people by outward appearances and accomplishments or failures.  It is clear however that Jesus is not concerned with such matters.
    “Good people have good things in their hearts”
    Plain and Simple.  Good people = good in heart.
    I spent so much time while I was stuck in my eating disorder thinking that I needed to hide because I was not worthy.  I have met countless other women that either held or still hold these beliefs.
    Our society describes good people as having these very unachievable characteristics, most of which are focused on earthly treasures. Not heavenly treasures.
    I have good news.  There is life and God wants you to live it.  It is the heart that matters.  The others things fade but our hearts remain.
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  • Trauma

    We talked in therapy last session about identifying triggering situations and slowly exposing myself to them. This is incredibly hard to think about. One of the things that I am slowly realizing is there are so many things that cause me to have intrusive thoughts, memories and flashbacks of M.  I do not want to deal with this but I know that if I do not it will only get worse.  PTSD makes it hard to engage with others because it can make people relive the most painful experiences over and over again.  How can you explain this to someone?  It is not exactly like your friends at the coffee shop want to hear about your nightmares the night before.   It is a hard fought battle that many are scared to share.
     
     
    When I try to fall asleep I can feel his arms reaching around me. He would say that the only way he could sleep was to do “play”.  I hate those words. The way he pulled me in toward him and gripped me showed me that I did not have the option of saying no.  The times I resisted he would show me that it was not good to fight.  I sometimes feel like I am watching my body walk around trying to cope in this world.  I wonder how these things could happen.   I can be ok with my weight and have good body image but feel so uncomfortable. I feel him on me. As soon as I lie down at night it feels like he is there. I am scared. I used to go to bed so early so I could be asleep when he came into the bedroom. He knew if I was pretending to be asleep. Something as simple as putting my head on my pillow brings up so many memories. Why did he have to hurt me? I feel like my skin is dirty. I feel like I need to cover up.
     
     
    Part of the exposure work involves doing the opposite of what triggers me. This involves changing sleep habits, sleeping in new pajamas, sleep hygiene, sleeping on a different side of the bed. It involves anything that can be new and different than what occurred with M. I am working on figuring those things out. Divorce is supposed to take the person out of your life. He is not out yet. He is still in my head, home, and nightmares. I got through really tough times with the eating disorder. I got through the divorce. I know I can get through this. It is painful to work through this but it is also painful to deal with the symptoms. My grandmother always said, “This to shall Pass”
     
     
     
     
     
     
  • Finding balance in Exercise

    I want to wake up and find joy in each and every day.  I found that finding joy in other things helped me to give up the need to control so much.

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    One of the things I struggled with was excessive, obligatory, and compulsory exercise.  I chose exercise over other things in my life that could provide JOY.  Exercise provided a way for me to numb feelings and provided a distraction from everything that was going on.  My exercise regimen was not to provide health, stress relief, and other GOOD benefits we all know to be true.  I convinced everyone that I loved to run marathons, spend tons of time at the gym, and participate in every activity I could.
    I had to reduce my exercise while in treatment.  At first I thought it would kill me– literally; however, I soon found that there were other things that I truly enjoyed.
    Those other things brought me JOY
    During and after treatment it can be very difficult to find the right balance between exercise, eating, and general self-care.  One thing that helped me was focusing on the things I could do and how my body provided the ability to do them.  As I gained weight (and strength) I actually felt better when exercising.  It was not as exhausting or mentally draining.  I began to THANK GOD as I did anything for the ability HE gave me.
    “Thank you God for giving me legs to carry my children”
    “Thank you for giving me arms to throw a ball with my son”
    It is much harder to hate a body that is able to do the things you really love.  Sure, my thighs are not as tone as they once were nor I cannot run as fast.  The thing I can do it sit down and play a game with my children without worrying about calories.  I can play a game of tennis and enjoy it without thinking of the number of calories I am burning.
    Find something you like to do.  Exercise is a GOOD THING if done for the RIGHT REASON.  Additionally, you have to eat enough to keep your body healthy and support the exercise.
    I love that I can be active and do things that I really enjoy without being plagued by disordered thoughts.  I encourage everyone to explore all of the options out there. Make sure you are healthy enough and have approval. If you do then the sky is the limit. It is also  more fun to have others to socialize with!
    ​​SLXLM
  • Enjoying life

    ​​SLXLM

    “I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly” JOHN 10:10

    I spent a long time doing anything I could to make myself smaller. I thought hiding would make my problems disappear. I did not try new things or experience life because I was afraid of living.

    One of the more challenging but rewarding aspects of recovery is finding new things, reclaiming things that you have given up and filling all of that “eating disorder time” with healthy and meaningful stuff.
    One of my favorite things of all times is playing soccer. I love everything about it. I was the kid that would run and slosh around in the mud, rain, snow, anything. I searched and found an adult league. ME== reached out to someone else! I have been playing on two teams one is a coed team and the other a women’s team. I have realized how my legs feel so free. I am kicking the ball, running on the field and in my space.
    I ran all the time while I deep in the eating disorder.  I ran without a purpose.  I ran to get away from him. It was my alone time. I do not need to do that anymore.  I did it to escape. It was the only time that I could forget about everything and completely clear my mind.  There are so many better ways to do that!
    THIS WAS DIFFERENT I got dressed in my soccer gear with long socks and shin guards and looked at my legs and had a HUGE SMILE on my face. I PRAISED GOD for my body and the legs he gave me to play soccer. My body has survived the damage from the eating disorder and abuse. I am able to compete, play, and run.  I can do these things because I want to and they are fun.  Obtaining a HEALTHY Body image is a hard part of recovery. I honestly thought that I would get to a point where I tolerated my body. But reaching a point where I love and am proud is so incredibly freeing.
    A new step forward.  It is appreciating the many things we are here for, our purpose and what we can actually do. God wants life and a full life. I am amazed at the ways He is bringing life into my life now that there is so much room!
    ​​SLXLM

  • Meal Planning! My experience

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    In my personal experience, I had a love-hate relationship with the nutritional meal planning and my dietitian. At first, I was completely against seeing a dietitian. I was ashamed of the fact that I was a dietitian and was so stuck in my eating disorder.  More so, I was a dietitian and had an eating disorder!  I was embarrassed and proud.  I did not want anyone taking anything from me. I also thought that I should be able to do the right thing because I was a dietitian. Emotions remove our ability to think objectively. I personally knew what I was supposed to do. I would sit around and write the perfect meal plan for myself. I wanted to get better but I had trouble applying the knowledge to myself. I knew what was happening to my body on a medical, metabolic, and physiological level but my mind was controlled by the disorder and unable to separate my wise mind from the eating disorder. The distortions and eating disorder were in control. I had not made the connection that I was using the eating disorder to regulate a chaotic world. I needed to give up control and let someone else do it for me.

    “I needed to give up control and let someone else do it for me”.

     

     

     

    The eating disorder takes the “I should know better” and replaces it with disordered thoughts and false beliefs and jumbles them together. The thoughts begin to cycle through and take place over everything else. I was convinced that despite my knowledge, my ability to counsel others, and to be a good dietitian in the community “that the rules did not apply to me”.

     

    I knew that at some point in my life I would be in a place to help those suffering from eating disorders. If I wanted to meet this goal I had to swallow my pride and accept expert help.  I knew that God would use my story to one day help others. Until I could relinquish my control and realize that the rules applied to me I remained in the same position—stuck.  The first time I saw a dietitian was when I was in the hospital.  I found that the meal plan she gave me provided relief.  Yes, I was terrified at the thought of eating everything she told me, but at this point it was not my responsibility.  She provided a guide for me to follow. I found that I could trust the process.

     

    A meal plan serves many purposes. Most meal plans are based on an exchange system. The plan and exchanges are calculated to meet your individual needs. Usually it will have three meals and three snacks. In many cases, you would be responsible for selecting meals and snacks in accordance with your meal plan. In early recovery, specific food lists might be used. If you are underweight, your meal plan will match your current caloric intake and will periodically increase to encourage weight restoration. If you are not underweight, you will have a maintenance meal plan intended to normalize eating behaviors. A benefit of this approach is your needs are already counted and you do not have to think about food.  You can focus on recovery. Meal plans provide structure, normalization of eating patterns; help to establish hunger and fullness cues, and helps you learn to trust the eating process again.  It is the first step towards intuitive eating.

     

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