HopeintheMess

Category: Uncategorized

  • Dancing in front of the Mirror

    When I walked by my daughter’s room this morning she was standing in front of the mirror dancing– in her underwear.  She was singing songs and appeared so very joyful.  I stood in the doorway where she could not see me and watched her for a few minutes.  She demonstrated so much innocence.
    She was carefree.
    She sang “Jesus Loves Me” and twirled circles. 
    She did not say anything negative about her appearance or herself.  She was so happy to be singing in the Lord’s presence and His precious child.
    She was actually not even really paying attention to her body. She was watching the twirls and the smile. I was filled with joy as I watched her being so filled with JOY!!
    One thing that I have worked very hard to do is demonstrate self-love, acceptance, and that beauty comes from within.  When she was really little I would play with her in front of the mirror and sing
    “I look in the mirror and what do I see… A beautiful wonderful me”
    In this moment I was envious- I want this carefree attitude for myself and so many others that I know.  I also prayed that this feeling inside her will last.  When will someone tell her that she is not beautiful? Worse yet, will she believe it?   
    When she saw that I was watching she paused and giggled.  She acted like she was a little embarrassed.
    I said…..
    I love how happy you are right now. I told her to never be afraid to dance and smile. I told her to always smile when she sees herself. I told her that laughter and joy in her heart is one of the many things that make her so special. I want to constantly remind myself of the little girl that danced in front of the mirror.
    I will continue telling her that the inside counts more.  I will always tell her that she is beautiful and created in God’s image.
    Let’s all show some self-love and dance in front of the mirror. 
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  • I am made for MORE

    NOONE SHOULD STRUGGLE FROM AN EATING DISORDER OR GO THROUGH RECOVERY ALONE

    I AM NOT ALONE

    I am not alone anymore 

    I remember being

    Afraid and Uncertain

    Vulnerable and Naïve

    Unacceptable and Unworthy

    If I could only change

    My life would be perfect

    This disease came in

    Taking over everything

    Sneaky and deceiving

    If only I could lose weight

    Secret to make me special

    The answer to everything

    Isolating from life

    Protecting my secret

    Lonely, searching for friends

    But not needing anyone

    I thought I was in control

    My control controlled me

    Never realizing HOW sick

    Plagued with denial

    Succeeded at weight loss

    Lost so much more

    Secrets to protect the disease

    Could not love

    With so much self-hate

    Not trusting

    Controlled by the secrets

    The thoughts never stopping

    I just needed to keep going

    If I did not have an eating disorder

    Life was not worth living

    I could not get recover

    I was a failure

    I gave up

    I had no purpose

    I was losing the fight

    I was too sick

     

    I could not fight anymore

    I needed help to live

    I found Hope in the Lord

    Those he sent to help

    He was waiting for me

    I took that leap of faith

    It was not easy

    Recovery was hard

    Reaching out saying help me

    I cannot do this alone

    I learned to trust

    I am not the same anymore

    I said I am ready to let go

    Of hurts holding me down

    He lifted me up to see

    Life is better when set free

    Not needing to prove

    I am special and worthy

    I was made for more

    Take a bite and see

    I can live my dreams

    Discover my purpose

    Life began to have sunshine

    No longer darkness

    Recovery takes work

    I had to trust and let go

    I had to accept the truth

    Others were showing me

    Slowly I healed physically

    I accepted that I am loved

    I was able to love

    I am set free

    I am worthy of Grace

    Not an eating disorder

    He already knew my pain

    He wants to wipe it away

    Lord, I want to trust you

    He said let me carry you

    I do not have to worry

    He suffered for me

    I am not alone

    My slate is wiped clean

    I need to be healthy

    To use my purpose

    He said you are not alone

    All suffering

    Will reveal His Glory

    I will not be deceived again

    I will trust in the Lord

    I am not alone

  • Reasons to Recover

    I WANT TO RECOVER BECAUSE!!!!!!

     

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    -To be a good mother!

    To leave M
    to do what I am called to do!
    -socialize without having to choose the time and place to be sure no food is involved
    -go to events with food and not worry
    -walk, run, play sports, WITH ENERGY
    -less time spent with doctors and in treatment.  Reduced cost of treatment!  I am so expensive!
    -energy
    -improve bones and other body damage
    -better relationships with family
    -clarity of thought
    -less obsessing about food and weight–more time for more interesting things
    -treated as an adult and an equal–NOT THE IDENTIFIED PATIENT WITH A PROBLEM!
    -confidence
    -people not talking about how sick I look or being afraid to approach me
    -contentment
    freedom – my day is about living life, not centred around the ED and its behaviours
    -increasing confidence – in my self esteem, body image
    -to be more in control of my life and my future
    -more hours in the day, to do what i enjoy, find out what I enjoy!  I honesty do not know!
    -less depressed – definately physiologially more depressed when not nourishing my body properly on a daily basis.
    -to be less anxious
    -to be more trusthworthy and reliable to others
    -so my day will not be dominated by the ED thoughts and actions
    -to eat a meal without fear
    -to eat a normal meal!
    -to eat with others
    -to be strong!
    -to be healthy!
    -to be a role model
    -to lose the Fear and worry

    SO I CAN HELP OTHERS

  • Recovery Voice

    Finding my Recovery Voice

    One of the things we worked on at the retreat I mentioned was finding our recovery voice.  We practiced separating ourselves from the ED voice.  This was a powerful experience.
    The ED voice is different for everyone but one thing is similar: it is a BULLY.  It constantly critiques me or tells me what I should or should not do.  It has rules for how I should live my life.  Notice how I say “IT”.  I would normally say, “me”.  But, the bully or eating disorder is not me.  In this exercise, we learn that we are not the eating disorder.  We identify with the healthy side.  This is hard and I still need so much help with this.
    • Things my bully/eating disorder says to me.
    • You are fat
    • You are unworthy and unacceptable
    • You are fat
    • You will never be accepted
    • You have to weigh yourself
    • No one likes you …..unless you weigh, unless you look a certain way.
    • You sound stupid
    • You cannot eat that
    • You can only eat….
    • You cannot eat in front of others, they will make fun of you
    • If you eat out, you must only eat….
    • If you gain weight, you are a failure
    • If you try to eat more, you will binge..so do not try
    • Do not trust anyone, they are trying to make you fat again
      -So the exercise.  Whenever I hear a message from the bully.  I need to find my recovery/healthy/MY voice and practice using it.  The tricky part.  I do not have to believe it yet.  I just have to say it.  Say it until I believe it.  This is hard.

      When we were practicing this at the retreat, I found that so many of the other women/girls heard the same messages.

      It was NOT just ME!

      I wanted to hug them and support them.  How dare a bully say these things to THEM.

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      But wait… I do this to myself.

      It started to make sense.  I guess that was the purpose.

       

      So, a list of recovery messages in hand is a recovery tool.  Whenever the bully messages appear, write them, read them.  Be ready to knock the bully down.  Feel free to share some of your bully/recovery messages with me.

       

    Some of my recovery messages.
    • -trust your treatment team, they have your best interest at heart.  They want you to be healthy and strong.  They are committed to your recovery.  They have never done anything to show lack of trust.  Remember all the times they have worked through things with you.  Share your concerns with them.  They are here for you.
    • -your weight does not determine your self worth.  you are not a number.
    • -you are a loving and caring wife and mother.  You do everything you can for your family.
    • You will be better able to care for your children when you are healthy and nourished.
    • You cannot be perfect and do everything, but you are doing your best.
      -all foods can fit into your meal plan.
    • Trust your dietitian and the foods she has recommended.  If you are following her recs, you will not overeat and not binge.
    • If you need help, ask for support.

  • Support and Relinquishing Control

    If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. Matthew 21:22.

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    I have been out of the hospital for six months.  The hospital staff took control of the eating disorder.  The took away my ability to exercise.  They even watched me go to the bathroom.  I was not allowed to be by myself.  I had no freedom while I was within the walls of the hospital.  It was a very long 42 days.

    I needed them to do this.  I thought I was in control but my eating disorder was in control.  By controlling my actions in the hospital they removed the option for me to choose the ED.

     

    I did not have to fight the eating disorder thoughts while I was inpatient because a staff member was always there.  I hated it at the time but it was also comfortable.  It was easy to do the right thing– or the recovery oriented thing.  They told me that it was not uncommon to have trouble when I first came home.  I was going from 24/7 support to being by myself every day.

    I think about how this relates  to our relationship with the Lord.  I choose daily to walk with Him.  I can  make the choices to pray, read the Word, and actively pursue a relationship with Him or I can remain distant. When I am constantly seeking Him, it is easier to do the right thing.  I find more peace when I am spending time in the Word each day.  My prayer life can bring peace.

    The staff at the hospital provided meal support.  They made sure that I did not know how much I weighed.  They watched me after meals.  They made sure I did not exercise.  What they did not do is give me the confidence in my own abilities to succeed.  I left the hospital thinking that I could continue doing what I had been doing and be ok.  I was wrong.

    Sound familiar?  We cannot pretend we are in control and ignore God.  Things WILL NOT work! I could not do my own thing.

     

    One saving grace is to know that God is in control. Finding peace and comfort in this becomes more healing and nurturing than anything else.  I cannot be in control and be close to God at the same time.

    God will lead me through this tough journey and lead me home.

     
    The Lord is the only way we can get constant support.  He is always with us.  When we need help with anything we can reach out and ask.  I have blamed my slips on the lack of support.  I have failed to see that I had support around me this whole time.  I shall look to my all powerful support.  I can and will do this.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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  • Temptations

     

    Trials and Temptations
    2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything
    James 1:2-4

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    The eating disorder (ED) voice is nasty.    The ED will say to restrict, exercise, purge, weigh, compare and basically self-destruct.  Treatment aims at developing new coping skills that are not self-destructive.

    I thought that developing new coping skills and denying the urge to engage in my eating disorder would be too hard.  In reality, the eating disorder was very good at preventing me from feeling pain.  I not only learned that coping skills are necessary but also understanding that temptations are normal.  Scripture tells us that God WILL provide a way out.

    1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

    You do not have to feel guilty or embarrassed.  Reach out to God.  Tell him about your struggles– after all, HE already know!

     

    Read this from Mathew 4:1-11
    Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness
    4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted[a] by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
    4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’[b]”
    5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

    “‘He will command his angels concerning you,
    and they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[c]”
    7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’[d]”
    8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
    10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’[e]”

     

     

     

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    Trust in the Lord!

  • Finding Peace

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    Colossians calls for us to let Christ completely dwell in our hearts and bodies.  I am longing for peace.  I am not sure I would know what that felt like.  I feel like I do not deserve it.  I know that we do not earn Grace.  It is a free gift from God……

    But I have to choose it. It is a free gift for the taking.  Not only do I need to choose it, but I must also reach out my hands and accept the Grace that only He can provide.  I really want to tell the world how much I want this; however, the pain I feel inside from the trauma is so deep.  I want to believe I can be happy.

    I want it. I really do.

    But I am not happy. I came home from the hospital thinking of how miserable I am with my H. It was so hard being away from my daughter. It was also so nice being away from him.  I believe in marriage and know I can make things work. With another blessing on the way- it will work. I believe in that. I pray for the peace and hope that He can provide.  I pray that my h can change. That he will want to change. My heart has this deep ache that he does not want this change.

    Colossians 3:15-16
    New International Version (NIV)
    15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

  • Welcome

    HERE WE GO

     

    I am starting this blog as I prepare to leave for inpatient treatment for my eating disorder.  I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and I have anorexia.  I am scared out of my mind to leave.  My therapist told me that I could either be admitted to a local hospital or go to treatment at a facility that specializes in eating disorders.  My pride will not let him admit me to the hospital here.  My only perception of a treatment center is what I have seen on TV or read about in magazines.  I am told that I will be on a weight gain plan and will likely be there for thirty days.  I do not want to leave my daughter.  I have never left her alone.  I am so tired of living the lie of an eating disorder so I know this is the right thing to do.  I pray that this will help me.  I pray that this will lead me toward healing and I can come back ready to finish treatment and say goodbye to this disease for once and for all.
    Here we go!