HopeintheMess

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  • Hello world!

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  • We all need Rest

    “Come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11: 25-20

     

     

    Our Pastor gave a great sermon on this Scripture on Sunday.  He spoke about what it means to Truly Find Rest.

     

    Are you getting rest?  Are you getting quiet time?  Jesus gave us a command for this.  He said,  “All Ye who are tired and Burden, Come Ye and You will Find Rest!”.

    WOW!! I don’t know about you, but I am so very comforted by these words.  In fact, I get chills as I type them.  Yes, I am tired and burdened.  How can I not be?  Everyone seems to be trying to get to the next thing before trying to finish the current project or task.  We are constantly told that we are not good enough, pretty enough, thin, tall….. enough. The list goes on and on.

     

    Are you getting rest?  Less is truly more for our souls.  Do something outside of your normal routine.  Spend some quiet time with our Savior.  Read a devotional.  Read new Scripture.  Pray. Sing.

     

    What are you tired from?  Jesus cares and wants to know about this.  Only our Father can provide you with the rest that you so need.

  • This seat is saved

    I took my kids to the pool this weekend. I pulled into the parking lot and immediately noticed that it was insanely busy.  I am apprehensive about going to the pool to begin with.  First, anyone can guess that wearing a bathing suit in front of a hundred other individuals is going to make me nervous.  Bathing suit season also draws on some trauma memories.
    I had gotten myself dressed, the kids ready, and packed everything we needed for a day of fun.  We walked into the pool area and I noticed that there were really no available seats.  My kids wanted to run straight toward the pool and did not really care that we did not have a seat.  I had to beg them to wait for me to find a seat before they could get in.  I found a seat that did not have anything around it so I made my way toward it and put our stuff down.  I heard a voice from behind me say, “THIS SEAT IT TAKEN.”
    I turned around toward the voice and noticed it was from a woman in my ‘peer group.”  I paused because I was wondering if she was really serious.  I know that women hold strong to peer groups and it is very hard to fit in as a woman in a new city but we are really saving seats at the pool now? I started to pick up my towel to walk away but then I turned and looked at my daughter.  I remembered the times she had come home from school telling me that girl X and Y would not play with her on the playground.  I would wipe tears from her eyes and reassure her.  I would tell her that God loved her and the friends that loved her regardless of the seats on the playground were the ones she really needed to play with.  I am not sure why people hold so tightly to peer groups and refuse to let a new member in.  I glance at pictures people post on social media that proudly post “cookie social- 10 years and going”.  This post should really say- this is a cookie social and new members to the church are not welcome.
    I would challenge people to pick up the towel and welcome a new person to sit.  Jesus wants us to welcome all.
    After turning to my daughter and being reminded of her tears, I looked back at my “peer” and said we would really like to sit down. The three of us can share the one seat.  She looked at me and said it is good to see you.  It was the typical welcome that someone gives you when they are pretending to be your friend.  We exchanged small talk for a minute.  Afterward I watched her and a few other women talk and laugh and enjoy the company of each other as I played with my children by myself.
    This seat is indeed saved.

  • Trauma

    We talked in therapy last session about identifying triggering situations and slowly exposing myself to them. This is incredibly hard to think about. One of the things that I am slowly realizing is there are so many things that cause me to have intrusive thoughts, memories and flashbacks of M.  I do not want to deal with this but I know that if I do not it will only get worse.  PTSD makes it hard to engage with others because it can make people relive the most painful experiences over and over again.  How can you explain this to someone?  It is not exactly like your friends at the coffee shop want to hear about your nightmares the night before.   It is a hard fought battle that many are scared to share.
     
     
    When I try to fall asleep I can feel his arms reaching around me. He would say that the only way he could sleep was to do “play”.  I hate those words. The way he pulled me in toward him and gripped me showed me that I did not have the option of saying no.  The times I resisted he would show me that it was not good to fight.  I sometimes feel like I am watching my body walk around trying to cope in this world.  I wonder how these things could happen.   I can be ok with my weight and have good body image but feel so uncomfortable. I feel him on me. As soon as I lie down at night it feels like he is there. I am scared. I used to go to bed so early so I could be asleep when he came into the bedroom. He knew if I was pretending to be asleep. Something as simple as putting my head on my pillow brings up so many memories. Why did he have to hurt me? I feel like my skin is dirty. I feel like I need to cover up.
     
     
    Part of the exposure work involves doing the opposite of what triggers me. This involves changing sleep habits, sleeping in new pajamas, sleep hygiene, sleeping on a different side of the bed. It involves anything that can be new and different than what occurred with M. I am working on figuring those things out. Divorce is supposed to take the person out of your life. He is not out yet. He is still in my head, home, and nightmares. I got through really tough times with the eating disorder. I got through the divorce. I know I can get through this. It is painful to work through this but it is also painful to deal with the symptoms. My grandmother always said, “This to shall Pass”
     
     
     
     
     
     

  • Finding balance in Exercise

    I want to wake up and find joy in each and every day.  I found that finding joy in other things helped me to give up the need to control so much.

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    One of the things I struggled with was excessive, obligatory, and compulsory exercise.  I chose exercise over other things in my life that could provide JOY.  Exercise provided a way for me to numb feelings and provided a distraction from everything that was going on.  My exercise regimen was not to provide health, stress relief, and other GOOD benefits we all know to be true.  I convinced everyone that I loved to run marathons, spend tons of time at the gym, and participate in every activity I could.
    I had to reduce my exercise while in treatment.  At first I thought it would kill me– literally; however, I soon found that there were other things that I truly enjoyed.
    Those other things brought me JOY
    During and after treatment it can be very difficult to find the right balance between exercise, eating, and general self-care.  One thing that helped me was focusing on the things I could do and how my body provided the ability to do them.  As I gained weight (and strength) I actually felt better when exercising.  It was not as exhausting or mentally draining.  I began to THANK GOD as I did anything for the ability HE gave me.
    “Thank you God for giving me legs to carry my children”
    “Thank you for giving me arms to throw a ball with my son”
    It is much harder to hate a body that is able to do the things you really love.  Sure, my thighs are not as tone as they once were nor I cannot run as fast.  The thing I can do it sit down and play a game with my children without worrying about calories.  I can play a game of tennis and enjoy it without thinking of the number of calories I am burning.
    Find something you like to do.  Exercise is a GOOD THING if done for the RIGHT REASON.  Additionally, you have to eat enough to keep your body healthy and support the exercise.
    I love that I can be active and do things that I really enjoy without being plagued by disordered thoughts.  I encourage everyone to explore all of the options out there. Make sure you are healthy enough and have approval. If you do then the sky is the limit. It is also  more fun to have others to socialize with!
    ​​SLXLM

  • Enjoying life

    ​​SLXLM

    “I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly” JOHN 10:10

    I spent a long time doing anything I could to make myself smaller. I thought hiding would make my problems disappear. I did not try new things or experience life because I was afraid of living.

    One of the more challenging but rewarding aspects of recovery is finding new things, reclaiming things that you have given up and filling all of that “eating disorder time” with healthy and meaningful stuff.
    One of my favorite things of all times is playing soccer. I love everything about it. I was the kid that would run and slosh around in the mud, rain, snow, anything. I searched and found an adult league. ME== reached out to someone else! I have been playing on two teams one is a coed team and the other a women’s team. I have realized how my legs feel so free. I am kicking the ball, running on the field and in my space.
    I ran all the time while I deep in the eating disorder.  I ran without a purpose.  I ran to get away from him. It was my alone time. I do not need to do that anymore.  I did it to escape. It was the only time that I could forget about everything and completely clear my mind.  There are so many better ways to do that!
    THIS WAS DIFFERENT I got dressed in my soccer gear with long socks and shin guards and looked at my legs and had a HUGE SMILE on my face. I PRAISED GOD for my body and the legs he gave me to play soccer. My body has survived the damage from the eating disorder and abuse. I am able to compete, play, and run.  I can do these things because I want to and they are fun.  Obtaining a HEALTHY Body image is a hard part of recovery. I honestly thought that I would get to a point where I tolerated my body. But reaching a point where I love and am proud is so incredibly freeing.
    A new step forward.  It is appreciating the many things we are here for, our purpose and what we can actually do. God wants life and a full life. I am amazed at the ways He is bringing life into my life now that there is so much room!
    ​​SLXLM

  • Feelings

    When you give up the eating disorder behaviors it is normal to experience extreme feelings.  This is because the eating disorder is no longer serving to numb them.  This is a good thing but it can be very scary!  Yes, feelings are a good thing.  Learning to feel them and respond to them in a healthy way is hard during recovery.  It does get easier!
    Feelings will not kill you but an eating disorder can!
    Letting myself feel was one of the hardest parts about recovery.  When I started feeling all of these emotions I was overwhelmed, scared, and felt like they would not stop.  I did not even know what I was feeling at times because I had never really let myself feel before.
    My therapist would ask me why I was so scared to feel.  What was the worst thing that could happen if I felt anything.
    FEELINGS!
     FEELINGS! I DO NOT WANT ANY PART OF THAT! Of course, my therapist told me that I am supposed to feel- it is healthy and normal.  I did anything I could do to keep from crying: avoiding eye contact, counting calories, or pinching my arms or legs.  These things worked but they did not help me.
    I learned that I could trust my doctors when they said they would not let me gain too much weight.  Now, they are saying if you feel something scary— it will not last forever.  I have to believe this and I did believe this.
    I hate to be wrong. This time I was wrong and my therapist was right.  Feeling my emotions made me feel normal for the first time in a long time.
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  • Divorce final

    I am back to my blog! It has been a few years since posting! So much has happened in the past few years. I wanted to write about much of it over several posts. Most recently, I went through a divorce. The judge actually signed off on it February 5th of this year. This was such a long process. I left Matt September of 2014. This was a much needed separation. As I worked through getting healthy from the eating disorder he could not handle it. I went through a lot of abuse throughout the marriage. Mostly emotional and sexual. The abuse got much worse as I became a healthier person. I am now dealing with PTSD in the aftermath of the marriage and abuse. I am working on this with my therapist. I would love to say that everything with the eating disorder stuff stayed great throughout but the stress of the divorce has made some things difficult. I am working to get through the PTSD treatment and adjust to life as a single mom now. I now have to beautiful children. We have a wonderful life to look forward to!
    After a long separation, long court battle and many brutal attacks by him our divorce is officially final. I did not know how I would feel when it was actually over. The process was so incredibly exhausting both physically and emotionally. Everyone kept telling me that it would just be a big relief. As the final date was actually approaching and we had signed papers but were waiting on the judge to sign and file I felt a sense of nothingness. I do not know what to think. There is part of me that is sad. I look back at the the little girl dreaming of the perfect wedding, marriage, life and family of four. My parents have an amazing marriage and provided such an example of partnership, love, and family. That is all I knew. I felt so betrayed, devastated, lonely and hopeless when M started treating me the way he did. I wanted what I realized I was never going to get. I think I am more sad of the things I wanted out of marriage and thought we would have instead of the empty promises and hurt. Is it weird that this makes me more sad than the abuse I endured? I feel so very sad for the pain that I know the children will have for parents that separate. This ends their fairy tale too. I am relieved to be done. I feel like I can breathe. I am left feeling a sense of loss.

  • You Can Recover

    Throughout my battle with an eating disorder I thought that I was the only one that could not recovery.  I also questioned why I suffered for so long. Being in the medical field, I knew about eating disorders. I even had friends from high school and college with eating disorders but I had not witnessed anyone fully recover.  Why would I be an exception? 

     

    When I started treatment, I did not share what I was going through with many people. A strong support system is so important to weather the storms life throws our way. We read in Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”.

     

    I am not saying that recovery is a race. However, by surrounding yourself with those that care about you, support you, and those that want you to succeed in recovery you are more likely to have success.

    During my second session with my therapist, he told me that he believed in me and that he believed complete recovery was possible. He made a promise that he would follow me through recovery if I trusted him throughout the process. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe the Lord placed me in that room for a reason. I believe I was paired with my therapist for a reason. While I was beginning to see, that recovery was in sight, I knew that I would share my story in hope of helping others. I would use my experience as a catalyst for change. I want to help others that are struggling with eating disorders.

    I want to raise public awareness, increase awareness in the medical community and be an advocate for treatment and education. The truth—It is possible to recover, and it is completely worth every effort!

  • Numbers don’t define us

    The very first thing the nurse wants to know when you go for a check-up is a “number”.  This is even true from the moment a baby comes into this world.  I know the numbers for my children – 6’2′ and 6’1′.  Are numbers important? Will God ask me these numbers as I walk through the Golden Gates?  Will I even remember them?  I placed so much emphasis on numbers during my eating disorder- weight, inches, calories, grams, time, and others. 

    Everyone places value on numbers.  Think about it.

    Age, height, weigh, clothing size, money, grades, test scores, colleagues, friends, Facebook likes, social accounts, twitter feeds, snap chats, followers, scores………….

     

    Jesus says that

    I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. (John 15:11)

    He says absolutely NOTHING about numbers.

    Yes, a number may FEEL like it can bring us Joy– but trust me, that is not the JOY or PEACE that comes from what Jesus is talking about.