HopeintheMess

Author: Hopeinthemess

  • Feelings

    When you give up the eating disorder behaviors it is normal to experience extreme feelings.  This is because the eating disorder is no longer serving to numb them.  This is a good thing but it can be very scary!  Yes, feelings are a good thing.  Learning to feel them and respond to them in a healthy way is hard during recovery.  It does get easier!
    Feelings will not kill you but an eating disorder can!
    Letting myself feel was one of the hardest parts about recovery.  When I started feeling all of these emotions I was overwhelmed, scared, and felt like they would not stop.  I did not even know what I was feeling at times because I had never really let myself feel before.
    My therapist would ask me why I was so scared to feel.  What was the worst thing that could happen if I felt anything.
    FEELINGS!
     FEELINGS! I DO NOT WANT ANY PART OF THAT! Of course, my therapist told me that I am supposed to feel- it is healthy and normal.  I did anything I could do to keep from crying: avoiding eye contact, counting calories, or pinching my arms or legs.  These things worked but they did not help me.
    I learned that I could trust my doctors when they said they would not let me gain too much weight.  Now, they are saying if you feel something scary— it will not last forever.  I have to believe this and I did believe this.
    I hate to be wrong. This time I was wrong and my therapist was right.  Feeling my emotions made me feel normal for the first time in a long time.
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  • Self love and Beauty Standards

    I think that many women who find themselves dancing with these thoughts – myself included – are here because we find it difficult to maintain our ideal weight.

    Staying at the weight we want to be at is a battle – anything but effortless like the health magazines tote around. And while there is nothing wrong with diving into the world of healthy living and experimenting with your body (hello, have you heard of The Experience?), this constant doubting, controlling, manipulating, etc. is harmful, stressful, and a complete waste of our energies (not to mention it decreases metabolism and increases fat storage, not helping the cause


    But I think the real problem here is that so many women find themselves in this daily, if not hourly, fight because they are aiming to maintain a weight that is 5-10 pounds lower than where their bodies actually want to be (again, myself included). We’re struggling to maintain a weight that, although we’ve convinced ourselves is where our bodies naturally land, is actually determined by the images of the ideal female body we see everywhere we look – billboards, commercials, social media, etc. To be honest, I think this obsession with keeping our bodies just 5-10 pounds lighter than they should be is actually one of the the least drastic/harmful reactions to these photoshopped ideals of absolute beauty – but I also think living in this space is also torture. Those 5-10 pounds we are fighting everyday to keep off are like that one that got away: that thing that we’re compulsively obsessed with, fixated on, need to have. That thing that you know will make everything in your life perfect if you can just catch it.
    But deep down, somewhere buried in the very depths of your all-brilliant, all-shining, all-wise gut, you know that’s not true. And I’m here to tell you that that actually could not be further from the truth.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds, that place where your body naturally wants to be – that’s your life. That’s your late night pizza with your man, that Sunday morning bottomless brunch, your favorite cupcake in the whole entire world because you wanted to treat yourself. Those 5-10 pounds are your favorite memories, your unforgettable trips, your celebrations of life.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds are your spontaneity, your freedom, your love.

  • Believing in Recovery

     

     

     

    Recovery is not easy.  When you feel like you cannot go any further, focus on the accomplishments you have made.  I remember being motivated by the fact that I could sleep through the night, I had increased energy, and I felt mental clarity.  Yes, eating disorders mess up your thinking!  Write down the times you have a positive experience in recovery.  If you have a day where your thoughts are not as strong, write it down.  Keep track of milestones like being able to socialize without anxiety or being able to read a book.  It is easy to lose sight of the positive things when you are focused on the meal plan or weight. You may have difficulty in seeing a future without your eating disorder; however, recognizing each accomplishment can allow you to see the progress you have made.

     

    • If you have experienced any positive symptom improvement, list it:
    • Examples might include: Being less cold, Sleeping Better, More Energy, Less anxious or depressed, Better Concentration, Thinking about calories less, Able to follow meal plan better, Less isolation?
    • How has this impacted your daily living?
    • If you have not had any of the improved symptoms, what would you like to experience? What is one way you think you can get there?
    • If you are struggling with your meal plan or symptoms, what can you use to remind yourself that you will feel better with continued perseverance? 

    Read this example:

    AB was a young high school student with anorexia nervosa.  She had trouble trusting that things could get better.  At her first visit she told me that her year was supposed to be the “best-ever” but was instead going horribly.  She was frustrated because she was having to try harder, work harder, and could not focus nor concentrate.  I explained that as she became more nourished, she would see that these things would not be as difficult.  Not believing me, but agreeing to try as a good student, she came in several weeks later reporting more energy, social activities with friends, and having more time.

  • Divorce final

    I am back to my blog! It has been a few years since posting! So much has happened in the past few years. I wanted to write about much of it over several posts. Most recently, I went through a divorce. The judge actually signed off on it February 5th of this year. This was such a long process. I left Matt September of 2014. This was a much needed separation. As I worked through getting healthy from the eating disorder he could not handle it. I went through a lot of abuse throughout the marriage. Mostly emotional and sexual. The abuse got much worse as I became a healthier person. I am now dealing with PTSD in the aftermath of the marriage and abuse. I am working on this with my therapist. I would love to say that everything with the eating disorder stuff stayed great throughout but the stress of the divorce has made some things difficult. I am working to get through the PTSD treatment and adjust to life as a single mom now. I now have to beautiful children. We have a wonderful life to look forward to!
    After a long separation, long court battle and many brutal attacks by him our divorce is officially final. I did not know how I would feel when it was actually over. The process was so incredibly exhausting both physically and emotionally. Everyone kept telling me that it would just be a big relief. As the final date was actually approaching and we had signed papers but were waiting on the judge to sign and file I felt a sense of nothingness. I do not know what to think. There is part of me that is sad. I look back at the the little girl dreaming of the perfect wedding, marriage, life and family of four. My parents have an amazing marriage and provided such an example of partnership, love, and family. That is all I knew. I felt so betrayed, devastated, lonely and hopeless when M started treating me the way he did. I wanted what I realized I was never going to get. I think I am more sad of the things I wanted out of marriage and thought we would have instead of the empty promises and hurt. Is it weird that this makes me more sad than the abuse I endured? I feel so very sad for the pain that I know the children will have for parents that separate. This ends their fairy tale too. I am relieved to be done. I feel like I can breathe. I am left feeling a sense of loss.

  • You Can Recover

    Throughout my battle with an eating disorder I thought that I was the only one that could not recovery.  I also questioned why I suffered for so long. Being in the medical field, I knew about eating disorders. I even had friends from high school and college with eating disorders but I had not witnessed anyone fully recover.  Why would I be an exception? 

     

    When I started treatment, I did not share what I was going through with many people. A strong support system is so important to weather the storms life throws our way. We read in Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”.

     

    I am not saying that recovery is a race. However, by surrounding yourself with those that care about you, support you, and those that want you to succeed in recovery you are more likely to have success.

    During my second session with my therapist, he told me that he believed in me and that he believed complete recovery was possible. He made a promise that he would follow me through recovery if I trusted him throughout the process. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe the Lord placed me in that room for a reason. I believe I was paired with my therapist for a reason. While I was beginning to see, that recovery was in sight, I knew that I would share my story in hope of helping others. I would use my experience as a catalyst for change. I want to help others that are struggling with eating disorders.

    I want to raise public awareness, increase awareness in the medical community and be an advocate for treatment and education. The truth—It is possible to recover, and it is completely worth every effort!

  • Numbers don’t define us

    The very first thing the nurse wants to know when you go for a check-up is a “number”.  This is even true from the moment a baby comes into this world.  I know the numbers for my children – 6’2′ and 6’1′.  Are numbers important? Will God ask me these numbers as I walk through the Golden Gates?  Will I even remember them?  I placed so much emphasis on numbers during my eating disorder- weight, inches, calories, grams, time, and others. 

    Everyone places value on numbers.  Think about it.

    Age, height, weigh, clothing size, money, grades, test scores, colleagues, friends, Facebook likes, social accounts, twitter feeds, snap chats, followers, scores………….

     

    Jesus says that

    I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. (John 15:11)

    He says absolutely NOTHING about numbers.

    Yes, a number may FEEL like it can bring us Joy– but trust me, that is not the JOY or PEACE that comes from what Jesus is talking about.

     

     

     


  • Dancing in front of the Mirror

    When I walked by my daughter’s room this morning she was standing in front of the mirror dancing– in her underwear.  She was singing songs and appeared so very joyful.  I stood in the doorway where she could not see me and watched her for a few minutes.  She demonstrated so much innocence.
    She was carefree.
    She sang “Jesus Loves Me” and twirled circles. 
    She did not say anything negative about her appearance or herself.  She was so happy to be singing in the Lord’s presence and His precious child.
    She was actually not even really paying attention to her body. She was watching the twirls and the smile. I was filled with joy as I watched her being so filled with JOY!!
    One thing that I have worked very hard to do is demonstrate self-love, acceptance, and that beauty comes from within.  When she was really little I would play with her in front of the mirror and sing
    “I look in the mirror and what do I see… A beautiful wonderful me”
    In this moment I was envious- I want this carefree attitude for myself and so many others that I know.  I also prayed that this feeling inside her will last.  When will someone tell her that she is not beautiful? Worse yet, will she believe it?   
    When she saw that I was watching she paused and giggled.  She acted like she was a little embarrassed.
    I said…..
    I love how happy you are right now. I told her to never be afraid to dance and smile. I told her to always smile when she sees herself. I told her that laughter and joy in her heart is one of the many things that make her so special. I want to constantly remind myself of the little girl that danced in front of the mirror.
    I will continue telling her that the inside counts more.  I will always tell her that she is beautiful and created in God’s image.
    Let’s all show some self-love and dance in front of the mirror. 
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  • I am made for MORE

    NOONE SHOULD STRUGGLE FROM AN EATING DISORDER OR GO THROUGH RECOVERY ALONE

    I AM NOT ALONE

    I am not alone anymore 

    I remember being

    Afraid and Uncertain

    Vulnerable and Naïve

    Unacceptable and Unworthy

    If I could only change

    My life would be perfect

    This disease came in

    Taking over everything

    Sneaky and deceiving

    If only I could lose weight

    Secret to make me special

    The answer to everything

    Isolating from life

    Protecting my secret

    Lonely, searching for friends

    But not needing anyone

    I thought I was in control

    My control controlled me

    Never realizing HOW sick

    Plagued with denial

    Succeeded at weight loss

    Lost so much more

    Secrets to protect the disease

    Could not love

    With so much self-hate

    Not trusting

    Controlled by the secrets

    The thoughts never stopping

    I just needed to keep going

    If I did not have an eating disorder

    Life was not worth living

    I could not get recover

    I was a failure

    I gave up

    I had no purpose

    I was losing the fight

    I was too sick

     

    I could not fight anymore

    I needed help to live

    I found Hope in the Lord

    Those he sent to help

    He was waiting for me

    I took that leap of faith

    It was not easy

    Recovery was hard

    Reaching out saying help me

    I cannot do this alone

    I learned to trust

    I am not the same anymore

    I said I am ready to let go

    Of hurts holding me down

    He lifted me up to see

    Life is better when set free

    Not needing to prove

    I am special and worthy

    I was made for more

    Take a bite and see

    I can live my dreams

    Discover my purpose

    Life began to have sunshine

    No longer darkness

    Recovery takes work

    I had to trust and let go

    I had to accept the truth

    Others were showing me

    Slowly I healed physically

    I accepted that I am loved

    I was able to love

    I am set free

    I am worthy of Grace

    Not an eating disorder

    He already knew my pain

    He wants to wipe it away

    Lord, I want to trust you

    He said let me carry you

    I do not have to worry

    He suffered for me

    I am not alone

    My slate is wiped clean

    I need to be healthy

    To use my purpose

    He said you are not alone

    All suffering

    Will reveal His Glory

    I will not be deceived again

    I will trust in the Lord

    I am not alone

  • Reasons to Recover

    I WANT TO RECOVER BECAUSE!!!!!!

     

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    -To be a good mother!

    To leave M
    to do what I am called to do!
    -socialize without having to choose the time and place to be sure no food is involved
    -go to events with food and not worry
    -walk, run, play sports, WITH ENERGY
    -less time spent with doctors and in treatment.  Reduced cost of treatment!  I am so expensive!
    -energy
    -improve bones and other body damage
    -better relationships with family
    -clarity of thought
    -less obsessing about food and weight–more time for more interesting things
    -treated as an adult and an equal–NOT THE IDENTIFIED PATIENT WITH A PROBLEM!
    -confidence
    -people not talking about how sick I look or being afraid to approach me
    -contentment
    freedom – my day is about living life, not centred around the ED and its behaviours
    -increasing confidence – in my self esteem, body image
    -to be more in control of my life and my future
    -more hours in the day, to do what i enjoy, find out what I enjoy!  I honesty do not know!
    -less depressed – definately physiologially more depressed when not nourishing my body properly on a daily basis.
    -to be less anxious
    -to be more trusthworthy and reliable to others
    -so my day will not be dominated by the ED thoughts and actions
    -to eat a meal without fear
    -to eat a normal meal!
    -to eat with others
    -to be strong!
    -to be healthy!
    -to be a role model
    -to lose the Fear and worry

    SO I CAN HELP OTHERS

  • Strong Enough

    Strong Enough??!!

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    I am trying to remind myself to lean on the Lord.  He will lead me through what I cannot do on my own.  This is a very powerful song by Matthew West.

    You must
    You must think I’m strong
    To give me what I’m going through

    Well, forgive me
    Forgive me if I’m wrong
    But this looks like more than I can do
    On my own

    I know I’m not strong enough to be
    everything that I’m supposed to be
    I give up
    I’m not stong enough
    Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
    Lord right now I’m asking you to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough
    For the both of us

    Well, maybe
    Maybe that’s the point
    To reach the point of giving up

    Cause when I’m finally
    Finally at rock bottom
    Well, that’s when I start looking up
    And reaching out

    I know I’m not strong enough to be
    Everything that I’m supposed to be
    I give up
    I’m not stong enough
    Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
    Lord right now I’m asking you to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

    Cause I’m broken
    Down to nothing
    But I’m still holding on to the one thing
    You are God
    and you are strong
    When I am weak

    I can do all things
    Through Christ who gives me strength
    And I don’t have to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

    I can do all things
    Through Christ who gives me strength
    And I don’t have to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

    Oh, yeah

    I know I’m not strong enough to be
    Everything that I’m supposed to be
    I give up
    I’m not stong enough
    Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
    Lord right now I’m asking you to be
    Strong enough
    Strong enough
    Strong enough

     

     

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