HopeintheMess

Tag: writing

  • Divorce final

    I am back to my blog! It has been a few years since posting! So much has happened in the past few years. I wanted to write about much of it over several posts. Most recently, I went through a divorce. The judge actually signed off on it February 5th of this year. This was such a long process. I left Matt September of 2014. This was a much needed separation. As I worked through getting healthy from the eating disorder he could not handle it. I went through a lot of abuse throughout the marriage. Mostly emotional and sexual. The abuse got much worse as I became a healthier person. I am now dealing with PTSD in the aftermath of the marriage and abuse. I am working on this with my therapist. I would love to say that everything with the eating disorder stuff stayed great throughout but the stress of the divorce has made some things difficult. I am working to get through the PTSD treatment and adjust to life as a single mom now. I now have to beautiful children. We have a wonderful life to look forward to!
    After a long separation, long court battle and many brutal attacks by him our divorce is officially final. I did not know how I would feel when it was actually over. The process was so incredibly exhausting both physically and emotionally. Everyone kept telling me that it would just be a big relief. As the final date was actually approaching and we had signed papers but were waiting on the judge to sign and file I felt a sense of nothingness. I do not know what to think. There is part of me that is sad. I look back at the the little girl dreaming of the perfect wedding, marriage, life and family of four. My parents have an amazing marriage and provided such an example of partnership, love, and family. That is all I knew. I felt so betrayed, devastated, lonely and hopeless when M started treating me the way he did. I wanted what I realized I was never going to get. I think I am more sad of the things I wanted out of marriage and thought we would have instead of the empty promises and hurt. Is it weird that this makes me more sad than the abuse I endured? I feel so very sad for the pain that I know the children will have for parents that separate. This ends their fairy tale too. I am relieved to be done. I feel like I can breathe. I am left feeling a sense of loss.

  • LONELY

    I think I use the eating disorder to avoid being lonely. But ironically it makes me lonely and withdrawn. I am terrified of giving it up because I am terrified of rejection. What if people do not like or accept me without the eating disorder.  I do not know who I am without it. I associate everything with it. I do not know how to function without it. How do I stop isolating and reach out without the eating disorder. How do I give up the fear that I will not be rejected without the eating disorder to turn to? It is the only thing I have turned to for safety/comfort. How do I approach people and feel good about myself? I really do not know who I am or do not have anything (or I feel) without it! This disorder has caused so much pain and has come between me and so many relationships. I isolated myself so much in college, grad school, etc. I have avoided so many social opportunities because of it. I think that is one of the hard parts. If I do start to give it up and reach out, I feel as if the world has gone on without me. How do I fit in now? I feel like I do not know how to interact with it. Then if I get rejected, what will make me feel better, what will make me safe?  I will not have anything to comfort me.  It is a damned if I do, damned if I do not sort of thing. Isn’t it better to stick with what I know?  I want to experience the world, but I do not know how to act in it. I feel like I am still stuck in the high school years of trying to fit in.  I feel like I am the third person on the bus when everyone was paired off.  I feel like the fifth person that would get left out when we were signing up for rooms on trips.  When I am around people now, it always feels like I am back in that place, hoping that I will belong, accepted.  I was always scared of being left out, being left behind.  I have been hurt before.  If I do not try, then I cannot be hurt again.  I feel like the awkward child trying to fit in.  I do not feel like I can now.  When I feel like I cannot, I just run to the behaviors because that is what I know and trust.  I am so scared of rejection that I just do not do things and I revert. I do feel so vulnerable without the behaviors. It is scary. I am scared of what will happen.  Being thin or being sick makes me feel safe.  I feel like I cannot be hurt.  I can numb myself.  I do not have to feel scared or focus on what I am thinking.

     

    I have been gaining weight with the pregnancy. I have made a few other positive changes towards getting well. When I make a so called positive change towards recovery, I feel a strong sense of guilt. I feel like I am doing something wrong. There is a pull back to the old habits, to the familiar. Doing the “right thing” or the healthy thing does not always feel right. It still feels wrong or like I am betraying myself. I am afraid that I do not know myself without an eating disorder. I am afraid that I do not know myself if I am not sick. If I am not using some sort of eating disorder behavior then there is nothing to still hold onto it. I hate to admit it, but it is almost like there is a need to be a little unwell, I am not sure if I am completely ready to be 100% well, independent, free. I do not know how to do that. Will I be unnoticed, not special, etc? What will there be? I feel like if I give up one aspect of the eating disorder, I need to keep another part around just in case. Otherwise it will be gone. I will miss it. I still feel lost on the inside. If I am big, eating normally, eating more, eating regularly, people will see a normal person and just assume things are great. But what if they are not?