HopeintheMess

Tag: Recovery

  • Comparison is killing us

    How Comparison is killing us

     

    Let’s face it, we all do it.  We compare ourselves in one way or another to something.  Eating disorders will make you compare compare compare…. The internal dialogue is constant comparisons.  You walk into a room and think, “who is the thinnest, what did she eat, what did I eat, I wonder if she ran this morning, I can eat less than that, I have power, …..”.  You might not want to admit it; however, if you do some soul searching it is true.  I am not saying that someone with an eating disorder is selfish or conceited.  This is NOT the case.  But an eating disorder will change you.  It makes you think things that are not typical for you!  When you go through the cycle of restriction, binging, purging, exercising, and repeat— your mind goes into a mode of obsessive thinking.  Obsessive thoughts are also a way to avoid thinking about other things in your life.  They control anxiety.  This is a vicious cycle.

     

    Comparison will kill you.  You will never be thin enough, sick enough, be THAT enough.  You will never “look like that enough” to be deserving of treatment of help”.  You do not need to look a certain way to get treatment.  Throughout my own treatment, working with many men and women, the first concern I have witnessed is the fear that people will be the only one that is “not sick” enough.  This is a climate that must change.

     

     

  • Recovery- people might not tell you this

     

    An eating disorder is painfully lonely.  The truth is that no matter how much anyone tells you the truth, you will not believe it until you are on the other side.  The eating disorder has two things working on its side 1) the brain-based a genetic process.  Let’s look at an individual with anorexia nervosa.  When someone weighs less than her (or his) biologically appropriate weight, cognitive process declines.  You can try to convince her that the earth is round, but if she believes it is flat, then damn it…. The earth is flat in her world.  Eating disorders actually change the brain to a certain point and the only thing that repairs this damage is food.  2).  The maladaptive coping strategies work very effectively to circumvent whatever it is that the person is trying to not deal with.  Yes, this is true.  Eating disorders are a complex biopsychosocial illness.  We have to heal the body and mind in order to heal the person.  We cannot do this without food and then dealing with the emotions and learning to effectively cope in the world.

    When you start recovery, it may feel wrong.  In fact, it will feel wrong.  This is something that you should talk about.  The reason it feels wrong is because the illness has placed so much emphasis on your weight, whether or not you ate, ran, counted your calories, your will-power.  It has been exhausting.  Sitting still and just being may feel wrong but it is ok and it is good.  I understand how sitting still and eating makes you want to cry- but that does not last.  It may feel wrong but it is not wrong.  You will get to a point where it feels right and you will enjoy it again.  I promise.  The only thing the disorder can promise is a stronghold, death, control.  Breaking free promises life.  While that may sound scary—it does not have to be all at once. 

    God does not give more than you can handle.  That is a promise!      

    2Chronicles 15:7

    But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.”

  • Independence Day

     

    We had a wonderful time celebrating the Fourth Of July.  We went to a festival in the mountains where my parents just built a house.  Several years ago, the thought of going to any celebration sent me waves of panic.  What about the food? What about the exercise I may miss? I cannot wear a bathing suit??!!  I missed out on these opportunities because I was so entrenched in the eating disorder that I was unable to have fun.  On this Independence Day, I am so thankful that I declared independence from the eating disorder. 

     

     

    I spent all my time thinking about food, calories, exercise, and how much I hated my body (really myself).  I did not think that I could be so incredibly happy and carefree.  On this day, I wore a bathing suit as I walked around the outdoor area.  I slid down the bouncy house water slide with my children.  I laughed, joked, and played games.  These things are hard to do when the eating disorder is in control. 

     

    My now healthy body and mind could walk around with pride on this day.  I am so thankful for my chance at recovery and thankful that I took the plunge.    

     

  • Self love and Beauty Standards

    I think that many women who find themselves dancing with these thoughts – myself included – are here because we find it difficult to maintain our ideal weight.

    Staying at the weight we want to be at is a battle – anything but effortless like the health magazines tote around. And while there is nothing wrong with diving into the world of healthy living and experimenting with your body (hello, have you heard of The Experience?), this constant doubting, controlling, manipulating, etc. is harmful, stressful, and a complete waste of our energies (not to mention it decreases metabolism and increases fat storage, not helping the cause


    But I think the real problem here is that so many women find themselves in this daily, if not hourly, fight because they are aiming to maintain a weight that is 5-10 pounds lower than where their bodies actually want to be (again, myself included). We’re struggling to maintain a weight that, although we’ve convinced ourselves is where our bodies naturally land, is actually determined by the images of the ideal female body we see everywhere we look – billboards, commercials, social media, etc. To be honest, I think this obsession with keeping our bodies just 5-10 pounds lighter than they should be is actually one of the the least drastic/harmful reactions to these photoshopped ideals of absolute beauty – but I also think living in this space is also torture. Those 5-10 pounds we are fighting everyday to keep off are like that one that got away: that thing that we’re compulsively obsessed with, fixated on, need to have. That thing that you know will make everything in your life perfect if you can just catch it.
    But deep down, somewhere buried in the very depths of your all-brilliant, all-shining, all-wise gut, you know that’s not true. And I’m here to tell you that that actually could not be further from the truth.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds, that place where your body naturally wants to be – that’s your life. That’s your late night pizza with your man, that Sunday morning bottomless brunch, your favorite cupcake in the whole entire world because you wanted to treat yourself. Those 5-10 pounds are your favorite memories, your unforgettable trips, your celebrations of life.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds are your spontaneity, your freedom, your love.

  • Believing in Recovery

     

     

     

    Recovery is not easy.  When you feel like you cannot go any further, focus on the accomplishments you have made.  I remember being motivated by the fact that I could sleep through the night, I had increased energy, and I felt mental clarity.  Yes, eating disorders mess up your thinking!  Write down the times you have a positive experience in recovery.  If you have a day where your thoughts are not as strong, write it down.  Keep track of milestones like being able to socialize without anxiety or being able to read a book.  It is easy to lose sight of the positive things when you are focused on the meal plan or weight. You may have difficulty in seeing a future without your eating disorder; however, recognizing each accomplishment can allow you to see the progress you have made.

     

    • If you have experienced any positive symptom improvement, list it:
    • Examples might include: Being less cold, Sleeping Better, More Energy, Less anxious or depressed, Better Concentration, Thinking about calories less, Able to follow meal plan better, Less isolation?
    • How has this impacted your daily living?
    • If you have not had any of the improved symptoms, what would you like to experience? What is one way you think you can get there?
    • If you are struggling with your meal plan or symptoms, what can you use to remind yourself that you will feel better with continued perseverance? 

    Read this example:

    AB was a young high school student with anorexia nervosa.  She had trouble trusting that things could get better.  At her first visit she told me that her year was supposed to be the “best-ever” but was instead going horribly.  She was frustrated because she was having to try harder, work harder, and could not focus nor concentrate.  I explained that as she became more nourished, she would see that these things would not be as difficult.  Not believing me, but agreeing to try as a good student, she came in several weeks later reporting more energy, social activities with friends, and having more time.

  • LONELY

    I think I use the eating disorder to avoid being lonely. But ironically it makes me lonely and withdrawn. I am terrified of giving it up because I am terrified of rejection. What if people do not like or accept me without the eating disorder.  I do not know who I am without it. I associate everything with it. I do not know how to function without it. How do I stop isolating and reach out without the eating disorder. How do I give up the fear that I will not be rejected without the eating disorder to turn to? It is the only thing I have turned to for safety/comfort. How do I approach people and feel good about myself? I really do not know who I am or do not have anything (or I feel) without it! This disorder has caused so much pain and has come between me and so many relationships. I isolated myself so much in college, grad school, etc. I have avoided so many social opportunities because of it. I think that is one of the hard parts. If I do start to give it up and reach out, I feel as if the world has gone on without me. How do I fit in now? I feel like I do not know how to interact with it. Then if I get rejected, what will make me feel better, what will make me safe?  I will not have anything to comfort me.  It is a damned if I do, damned if I do not sort of thing. Isn’t it better to stick with what I know?  I want to experience the world, but I do not know how to act in it. I feel like I am still stuck in the high school years of trying to fit in.  I feel like I am the third person on the bus when everyone was paired off.  I feel like the fifth person that would get left out when we were signing up for rooms on trips.  When I am around people now, it always feels like I am back in that place, hoping that I will belong, accepted.  I was always scared of being left out, being left behind.  I have been hurt before.  If I do not try, then I cannot be hurt again.  I feel like the awkward child trying to fit in.  I do not feel like I can now.  When I feel like I cannot, I just run to the behaviors because that is what I know and trust.  I am so scared of rejection that I just do not do things and I revert. I do feel so vulnerable without the behaviors. It is scary. I am scared of what will happen.  Being thin or being sick makes me feel safe.  I feel like I cannot be hurt.  I can numb myself.  I do not have to feel scared or focus on what I am thinking.

     

    I have been gaining weight with the pregnancy. I have made a few other positive changes towards getting well. When I make a so called positive change towards recovery, I feel a strong sense of guilt. I feel like I am doing something wrong. There is a pull back to the old habits, to the familiar. Doing the “right thing” or the healthy thing does not always feel right. It still feels wrong or like I am betraying myself. I am afraid that I do not know myself without an eating disorder. I am afraid that I do not know myself if I am not sick. If I am not using some sort of eating disorder behavior then there is nothing to still hold onto it. I hate to admit it, but it is almost like there is a need to be a little unwell, I am not sure if I am completely ready to be 100% well, independent, free. I do not know how to do that. Will I be unnoticed, not special, etc? What will there be? I feel like if I give up one aspect of the eating disorder, I need to keep another part around just in case. Otherwise it will be gone. I will miss it. I still feel lost on the inside. If I am big, eating normally, eating more, eating regularly, people will see a normal person and just assume things are great. But what if they are not?