HopeintheMess

Tag: mental-health

  • Trauma

    We talked in therapy last session about identifying triggering situations and slowly exposing myself to them. This is incredibly hard to think about. One of the things that I am slowly realizing is there are so many things that cause me to have intrusive thoughts, memories and flashbacks of M.  I do not want to deal with this but I know that if I do not it will only get worse.  PTSD makes it hard to engage with others because it can make people relive the most painful experiences over and over again.  How can you explain this to someone?  It is not exactly like your friends at the coffee shop want to hear about your nightmares the night before.   It is a hard fought battle that many are scared to share.
     
     
    When I try to fall asleep I can feel his arms reaching around me. He would say that the only way he could sleep was to do “play”.  I hate those words. The way he pulled me in toward him and gripped me showed me that I did not have the option of saying no.  The times I resisted he would show me that it was not good to fight.  I sometimes feel like I am watching my body walk around trying to cope in this world.  I wonder how these things could happen.   I can be ok with my weight and have good body image but feel so uncomfortable. I feel him on me. As soon as I lie down at night it feels like he is there. I am scared. I used to go to bed so early so I could be asleep when he came into the bedroom. He knew if I was pretending to be asleep. Something as simple as putting my head on my pillow brings up so many memories. Why did he have to hurt me? I feel like my skin is dirty. I feel like I need to cover up.
     
     
    Part of the exposure work involves doing the opposite of what triggers me. This involves changing sleep habits, sleeping in new pajamas, sleep hygiene, sleeping on a different side of the bed. It involves anything that can be new and different than what occurred with M. I am working on figuring those things out. Divorce is supposed to take the person out of your life. He is not out yet. He is still in my head, home, and nightmares. I got through really tough times with the eating disorder. I got through the divorce. I know I can get through this. It is painful to work through this but it is also painful to deal with the symptoms. My grandmother always said, “This to shall Pass”
     
     
     
     
     
     

  • Self love and Beauty Standards

    I think that many women who find themselves dancing with these thoughts – myself included – are here because we find it difficult to maintain our ideal weight.

    Staying at the weight we want to be at is a battle – anything but effortless like the health magazines tote around. And while there is nothing wrong with diving into the world of healthy living and experimenting with your body (hello, have you heard of The Experience?), this constant doubting, controlling, manipulating, etc. is harmful, stressful, and a complete waste of our energies (not to mention it decreases metabolism and increases fat storage, not helping the cause


    But I think the real problem here is that so many women find themselves in this daily, if not hourly, fight because they are aiming to maintain a weight that is 5-10 pounds lower than where their bodies actually want to be (again, myself included). We’re struggling to maintain a weight that, although we’ve convinced ourselves is where our bodies naturally land, is actually determined by the images of the ideal female body we see everywhere we look – billboards, commercials, social media, etc. To be honest, I think this obsession with keeping our bodies just 5-10 pounds lighter than they should be is actually one of the the least drastic/harmful reactions to these photoshopped ideals of absolute beauty – but I also think living in this space is also torture. Those 5-10 pounds we are fighting everyday to keep off are like that one that got away: that thing that we’re compulsively obsessed with, fixated on, need to have. That thing that you know will make everything in your life perfect if you can just catch it.
    But deep down, somewhere buried in the very depths of your all-brilliant, all-shining, all-wise gut, you know that’s not true. And I’m here to tell you that that actually could not be further from the truth.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds, that place where your body naturally wants to be – that’s your life. That’s your late night pizza with your man, that Sunday morning bottomless brunch, your favorite cupcake in the whole entire world because you wanted to treat yourself. Those 5-10 pounds are your favorite memories, your unforgettable trips, your celebrations of life.
    Those extra 5-10 pounds are your spontaneity, your freedom, your love.

  • LONELY

    I think I use the eating disorder to avoid being lonely. But ironically it makes me lonely and withdrawn. I am terrified of giving it up because I am terrified of rejection. What if people do not like or accept me without the eating disorder.  I do not know who I am without it. I associate everything with it. I do not know how to function without it. How do I stop isolating and reach out without the eating disorder. How do I give up the fear that I will not be rejected without the eating disorder to turn to? It is the only thing I have turned to for safety/comfort. How do I approach people and feel good about myself? I really do not know who I am or do not have anything (or I feel) without it! This disorder has caused so much pain and has come between me and so many relationships. I isolated myself so much in college, grad school, etc. I have avoided so many social opportunities because of it. I think that is one of the hard parts. If I do start to give it up and reach out, I feel as if the world has gone on without me. How do I fit in now? I feel like I do not know how to interact with it. Then if I get rejected, what will make me feel better, what will make me safe?  I will not have anything to comfort me.  It is a damned if I do, damned if I do not sort of thing. Isn’t it better to stick with what I know?  I want to experience the world, but I do not know how to act in it. I feel like I am still stuck in the high school years of trying to fit in.  I feel like I am the third person on the bus when everyone was paired off.  I feel like the fifth person that would get left out when we were signing up for rooms on trips.  When I am around people now, it always feels like I am back in that place, hoping that I will belong, accepted.  I was always scared of being left out, being left behind.  I have been hurt before.  If I do not try, then I cannot be hurt again.  I feel like the awkward child trying to fit in.  I do not feel like I can now.  When I feel like I cannot, I just run to the behaviors because that is what I know and trust.  I am so scared of rejection that I just do not do things and I revert. I do feel so vulnerable without the behaviors. It is scary. I am scared of what will happen.  Being thin or being sick makes me feel safe.  I feel like I cannot be hurt.  I can numb myself.  I do not have to feel scared or focus on what I am thinking.

     

    I have been gaining weight with the pregnancy. I have made a few other positive changes towards getting well. When I make a so called positive change towards recovery, I feel a strong sense of guilt. I feel like I am doing something wrong. There is a pull back to the old habits, to the familiar. Doing the “right thing” or the healthy thing does not always feel right. It still feels wrong or like I am betraying myself. I am afraid that I do not know myself without an eating disorder. I am afraid that I do not know myself if I am not sick. If I am not using some sort of eating disorder behavior then there is nothing to still hold onto it. I hate to admit it, but it is almost like there is a need to be a little unwell, I am not sure if I am completely ready to be 100% well, independent, free. I do not know how to do that. Will I be unnoticed, not special, etc? What will there be? I feel like if I give up one aspect of the eating disorder, I need to keep another part around just in case. Otherwise it will be gone. I will miss it. I still feel lost on the inside. If I am big, eating normally, eating more, eating regularly, people will see a normal person and just assume things are great. But what if they are not?