I am back to my blog! It has been a few years since posting! So much has happened in the past few years. I wanted to write about much of it over several posts. Most recently, I went through a divorce. The judge actually signed off on it February 5th of this year. This was such a long process. I left Matt September of 2014. This was a much needed separation. As I worked through getting healthy from the eating disorder he could not handle it. I went through a lot of abuse throughout the marriage. Mostly emotional and sexual. The abuse got much worse as I became a healthier person. I am now dealing with PTSD in the aftermath of the marriage and abuse. I am working on this with my therapist. I would love to say that everything with the eating disorder stuff stayed great throughout but the stress of the divorce has made some things difficult. I am working to get through the PTSD treatment and adjust to life as a single mom now. I now have to beautiful children. We have a wonderful life to look forward to!
After a long separation, long court battle and many brutal attacks by him our divorce is officially final. I did not know how I would feel when it was actually over. The process was so incredibly exhausting both physically and emotionally. Everyone kept telling me that it would just be a big relief. As the final date was actually approaching and we had signed papers but were waiting on the judge to sign and file I felt a sense of nothingness. I do not know what to think. There is part of me that is sad. I look back at the the little girl dreaming of the perfect wedding, marriage, life and family of four. My parents have an amazing marriage and provided such an example of partnership, love, and family. That is all I knew. I felt so betrayed, devastated, lonely and hopeless when M started treating me the way he did. I wanted what I realized I was never going to get. I think I am more sad of the things I wanted out of marriage and thought we would have instead of the empty promises and hurt. Is it weird that this makes me more sad than the abuse I endured? I feel so very sad for the pain that I know the children will have for parents that separate. This ends their fairy tale too. I am relieved to be done. I feel like I can breathe. I am left feeling a sense of loss.